I've been thinking for a while about what to say following my last post. Nothing seems to sufficiently explain how I have felt, what I have done, or what I will do following this whole... thing. Am I doing better? I'd say so. I've deep cleaned the house, re-organized, re-arranged, re-assessed, and have been trying to look to the future more than I look to the past. Looking to the present is usually out of the question, or else I end up thinking about her. What is she doing right now? Who is she with? Does she know what she did? Does she think about me? Sometimes I look at the other side of the bed. I'll extend my arm. And then I'll cry softly to myself.
Well, that emotional unpleasantness needs to be reduced or stop entirely. I want to move on with my life, and I want to meet someone new and have a real, meaningful relationship with a woman I trust will never leave me. I want to have kids, a family and grow old with a wife and watch my kids grow up. But how do you forget the past few years of your life? How do you forget your best friend? How do you stop looking back on your life with them - the good times and the bad? I have been thinking a lot about the good. There never really seemed to be too much bad. Everyone argues. I didn't think we did too badly. Maybe she thinks we did. Or maybe it's as simple as her life bored her. I bored her, her marriage bored her. She wanted something new and exciting, so she left me for a guy she just met at work. She listened to the advice of her friends - harpies without a clue, without morals or grounds to make judgments - and she listened to the whispers of a married man not only intent on being adulterous in spite of his own wife, but breaking apart the marriage of another person. "He's no good for you. You can do better." And then sex. Predictably, it will end in disaster. She will be dropped like a bad habit, and she will know her error. But then it is too late. There is no going back. And for this, I am terribly sad. For her.
I was left with hundreds of dollars in unpaid bills. She told me she paid the electric, and the doctor, and more. She didn't. She kept the money, saving it, knowing she was leaving (I suppose.) But now, my finances are in ruins. I've had to drop every service I had. No long distance telephone, call waiting or caller id. Satellite dropped to minimal programming; soon to be cancelled entirely, and facing a 200 to 300 dollar early termination fee. Internet speed reduced, possibly being disconnected if I cannot jungle expenses. Even my car insurance has been lowered to the absolute minimum it can be. I don't even have bodily injury any more. And the car itself is in poor repair. It's mechanically poor, and cosmetically - she crashed it, and on top of that someone ran into it at Wal-Mart a few years ago and drove off. I need to buy a new fender, front bumper, and rear bumper - at the minimum - for the car to look decent again. Which means going to a U-Pull-It junkyard and doing all the work myself. I would have no money for a business to do it. The car's front end is out of alignment, something is amiss with the brake fluid, and a tail light is out (although I don't know which one, since it is 'going' out right now, needing to be replaced.) I'm looking at a lot of financial hardship, and a lot of work to get my life back together post-wife.
She came over today. I had taken Lucy for a very long walk (Lucy is my dog, for you readers who don't read back posts!) and then I came home, did mass amounts of laundry, and got a good strong work-out in. I stripped and took a shower... Now, mind you, my showers are not long. Ten minutes, fifteen if I'm slow. So during that time, she came over. I found a plastic grocery bag hanging from the door with a note stapled to it. The note read, "For Michael". Upon opening it, it read,
Here is the stuff I ended
up w/ that is yours.
No, the ring should not be
in this bag, but the
cell phone should.
~ Me
Love on Lucy for me [smiley face]
I don't know if she knocked. I don't know if she was alone. Part of me wonders if she rode with her new boyfriend, hung the prepared bag on the knob, and took off. Another wonders if she wanted to see me. The bag contained some bills, some photographs (not of her or us), Lucy's harness, and my cell phone. For Lucy's harness I am glad, because now when I take her for her walks, if she pulls she will not get choked by simply having only collar and leash. The cell phone however...
The cell phone is a tracfone that the government provided me because I am on disability. She applied for it. She always had it. She used all the minutes, purchase more cards (in amounts of $40 plus) for more time, most likely because she was always calling her new boyfriend. Regardless, she returned the phone with the memory completely wiped, and only six minutes remaining. In other words, she returned a small reminder of her betrayal that will go unused into a cardboard box. I cancelled the government service that gave the phone free minutes each month shortly after she left, so I am sure to her, the phone was worthless. And I am sure she now has a phone given to her by one of her harpie friends, boyfriends, fuck buddies, or some other poor soul who just doesn't know what they are getting into.
So in the end, she did not bring the divorce papers, nor did she bring back the engagement ring. The latter I asked for because it is a family heirloom. Upon its return, it will go into a box, and may never again see day's light upon it for many years time. She promised me should we return it, and in the promise went the last vestige of trust I could hold for her. So now I await both ring and papers, which I will sign, return, and bid her goodbye. And if God looks upon me with fairness, kindness, or even takes pity on me, he will put a tear in her eye at the life she left. And I will walk on.
I wanted a long life together. I only ever wanted to be with her. But some things are not meant to be. Everything happens according to a master plan that we cannot fathom. Sure, I could wax philosophic and post epistemologically, but I will try to stay objective. Whether we wholly control our own destinies or that our fate is entirely predetermined is not the question. The question is, at what point do we look past ourselves and stop to think about not whether bad things happen to good people by chance but how do we perceive such concepts, by what means do we accept them, and how will we live our lives according to it? I believe her leaving was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. I believe that nothing will ever hurt me as much again. And I believe that there has to be someone for me that will love me with all their heart, soul and mind. I believe there is someone who would never, ever leave me. And I believe I will find this person so long as I hold my head high. I will go to my grave knowing I never cheated on my wife, and that I always did everything I could to let her know every day that I loved her. And that, my friends, is what life is all about. Knowing you are a good person, being honest and considering the people around you may not seem rewarding. But these things, and the kindness and humility one may show, they make me a rich man indeed.
I may no longer have my wife. But I have myself. And God willing, I shall persevere. I will miss what we had, and I will miss who she was, but I will live on. And so will the deeds I have done, and the friendships and relationships I have made will stay strong. I am in the most difficult part of my life. But I am walking forward. One foot moves in front of the other. One step at a time.
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