Sunday, August 31, 2008

NASCAR hurt me

NASCAR 2008 has to be one of the most ridiculously difficult games I've ever played. The only game I can think of that beats it out is GRAW, but that game is so retarded it doesn't merit comparison, or mention... in fact, I strongly believe that every copy of GRAW should be thrown in a deep hole, inundated with gasoline, and a fire should be lit that would burn for all eternity as an effigy of humanity's struggle to forget it made awful games like GRAW, the 50 Cent game, or Shaq Fu. Throw Dead Rising in there while you're at it.

Now that I've confused the reader, back to the topic at hand. Next generation NASCAR games should be played using the steering wheel controller. While I have no basis for comparison, because I don't own one, I have to believe that the people at EA spend most of their time laughing at people like me, who try to play these sorts of games with a controller. After struggling through a few races, I finally got my car tuned to where it needed to be where I could at least finish a race without feeling shamed. This is not the casual racing experience one would expect from going around an oval over and over and over again. Again, this game probably rules your face if you have a steering wheel, but for those without one, prepare for many, many, many slams into walls, cars, grass, penguins, mailmen, poinsettias, fat women named Irma, southern Sri Lanka, the 1978 Pittsburgh Steelers, killer robots, spatulas, cheese-based casseroles, professional yodelers, and Captain Crunch cereal - possibly with Crunch Berries. But please no Dale Earnhardt jokes. It's too soon.

About now, most people should probably be wondering why on earth I am playing NASCAR 2008 over NASCAR 2009. Well, it's quite simple, really - GameStop is offering a 25% off used 360 games special, and with an Edge card, the additional 10% makes for 35% off. So why buy a new EA game, when most people will agree that the biggest thing that changes year to year is, well, the year. Don't believe me? Go play Madden.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

How to confuse an idiot.

The loading time is slow, but it's worth it in the end.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Oh no, they say they got to go, go go Mozilla

Alright, alright, alright, I'll admit it. I didn't something extraordinarily, and unforgivably nerdy. I downloaded season one of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Streaming through my 360, I started watching from the beginning. And had to pause it somewhere around 12 minutes into the first episode.

Has no one ever noticed that the starship Enterprise is being chased by the Firefox logo in Encounter at Farpoint? No, seriously. Seriously. STFU, I said seriously. Look.

I mean, come on. Coincidence? Probably. I mean, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that the heads of Mozilla are really using Firefox and/or Thunderbird as a front to hide that they are in reality an omnipotent race called the Q. That would just be silly.

Silly like a fox.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Big Chief Diamondboots

Rock Band is probably the single most popular party game on the market today. Overshadowed by the release of Rock Band 2 at the end of September, my lovely fiancée and I have been playing it like fiends. She plays guitar, forcing me to play bass, so I got bored last night and decided to dust off my old vocalist character and give him an update from unfancy mister plain-looking guy who was slightly reminiscent of Peter Steele of Type O Negative, to the much more awesome (and ridiculously time-consuming) King Diamond. Of course, I didn't call him King Diamond - that would just be a blatant rip-off and kind of petty.

I give you Big Chief Diamondboots.

Late that night I awoke from my sleep, hearing unknown voices laughing...

Naturally, the game has a character limit (gay) and I actually ended up with BigChiefDiamond, but we all know what he's really called.

So I went to edit my personal quote, which you know was going to be awesome and King Diamond-oriented. What did I enter? "Try to enter" would be a better choice of words. Harmonix, the developers of Rock Band, has a word filter in place for potential character names, band names, and personal quotes. I tried to have my quote as "Let me help you out of the chair, Grandma." The Rock Central Server told me my quote was "not what most would describe as "classy"", and that it would not be visible on the leaderboards until I changed it. Which means one of the words is considered to be obscene.

Wait, what?

I read, and re-read, the quote. Did a grouping of letters in there accidentally form an obscenity? Where? What? Did "toft" mean something in Ethernopia that I was not aware of? In the end, it turns out "help" is an offensive word.

Wait, what?

Now I had to use a play on words, resulting in "Let me assist you out of the chair, Grandma." Because, you know, they have no problem with the word ass.

So whatever you do, if you're getting attacked or drowning or something horrible but equally disturbing and/or life-threatening, under no circumstance should you yell for help.

People will think you're not classy.