Friday, October 3, 2008

Monkey in the Middle-Earth

Each Lord of the Rings movie has special, extended versions. Two discs apiece, they are ridiculously incisive and loooong. And I watched them all in two days. I have hobbits coming out of my ears.

Who, also, in their right mind has the balls to take on a wizard? And I don't mean the Fred Savage playing Mario 3 with a bunch of retards in 1980 whateverville kind of wizard, or the check out the blacktacular Oz-related little kid that now want to kiss the childrens in his Peter Pan ranch kind of wizard. I mean the Ian McKellan, I have an awesome falling over giant cone-type hat, speaking Mordorian, singing opera in the snow and at cave walls, fight the giant ancient demon of fire and shadow kind of wizard. What's his name. Beardy-face. Yeah, everyone loved him in in those movies. I don't need statistical data to back that up. It has already become a fact due to the high levels of awesome he puts out.

Elves are totally gay. I don't mean the happy kind, then I would say "Oh good day and goodness me, those little hobbits look so happy and gay in their shire, tra la la la la." I mean, they are effeminate weirdos. Their notorious inability to grow facial hair, their froo-froo clothing and la-dee-da hairstyles are paled next to their love of artistry and apparent fondness for Star Trek memorabilia. Their language sounds like Russians whispering in broken Latin, and almost everything is "Spierethil dai ee lan gala." I might have even said something there. I probably said "I sound totally girly. Fear my pointy ears, almond-shaped eyes, lankiness, and rapid arrow-shooting." Ok, so rapid arrow-shooting might be applicable, but the damned Keeblers need to get back in their tree and make me some cookies, dammit.

John Rice-Krispies as Gimli was great, though. Someone give him an award. What? They already did. Well damn.

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