Tuesday, October 14, 2008

To Boldly Stay Right Here

Star Trek Online has been in development for a while now, but recently, its hype has jumped exponentially. This due to several facts, I'm sure. You can fly around outer space in a ship, shoot at n00bs to both the MMO universe, the Star Trek universe, and the concept of a linear cohesive protouniverse. You can be a Klingon, which means you can play the game completely drunk and singing "yIjah, Qey' 'oH." And, most importantly, every time someone asks you a question, you can scream "THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS" into your ventrilo headset. This will also be the first game I have ever played where, when entering a combat situation, I will not be humming the theme to The A-Team. Instead, it will be one of the first three Star Trek themes - The Original Series, The Next Generation, and Deep Space 9. Voyager and Enterprise are subject to me flying a Klingon Bird of Prey around a sun to go back in time and convince Gene Roddenberry that he's about to make a horrible mistake.

So, obviously, I'm looking forward to the thing. I'm like a retarded kid swinging a cat, giddy with joy at even the stupidest of options, like whether or not I want to make my first officer beardy. So I check the official website, to see what I'm going to be looking at when the game comes out. And I find out, to my dismay, horror, chagrin, and other negative descriptive adjectives placed to convey my disappointment, that my system requirements are comparatively like the space shuttle Challenger trying to install the Enterprise's holodeck. That means it's bad. As in, I can't play the game with my PoS computer.

So, what are my options? Well, I could buy a new computer. That seems like the obvious solution. Except the part where they won't barter for sheep and linen anymore. Those bastards. They want money - and a lot of it. Who is they? They is are am horrible grammar to be asking presented question for you me. Actually, "They" are people who will sell me a computer. Dell, or whoever. I can't even scrape together enough to NewEgg or TigerDirect or CompUSA myself into the United Federation of Awesome Gameplaying. So, I just have to sit complacently, and secretly seethe at my lost game. No more shall I hear the pew pew pew of my phaser lasers. No more shall Mr. Worf arm my fruton torpedoes. No more shall I try to remember what Conversational Klingon told me in context about what that particular Klingon curse meant as some fruit nut bar in Aufwiedersein Germania country of people who have the game yelled at me in the heat of a battle over who can control the pretty blue planet on the edge of this system in the Clark Bar Nebula.

I'm depressed now. I'm going to go play my Xbox 360 and look forward to the NXE in November. At least I know I'll have that.

There... are... no... lights....

1 comment:

Big Chief Knockemboots said...

Follow up -

Star Trek Online, so says the developers, will be available on consoles as well. While my first urge is to shout YAY, they said the same thing about Age of Conan, and we see how far that got. Do I want a 360 Star Trek Online? Yes. Do I expect it? Maybe. I'm not completely cynical, but on the other hand, seeing is believing. Saying shit with nothing to back it up only goes so far.