Friday, February 13, 2009

Le Petite Cible des Monstres Qui Enfants Romans

Ok, so all the media outlets have been discussing the disappearance of 5-year-old Haleigh Cummings from her north Florida home. They also keep bringing up the fact that 44 registered sex offenders live within 5 miles of her home. That isn't funny. But what is funny is the implication (albeit somewhat grossly hyperbolic) that an army of pedomonsters swarmed on the house like a zombie outbreak and carried her off.
If you think about the scenario, you know what happened. I know what happened. The whole damned world knows what happened. Giant ass-weasels. Ok, not really. Cute little girl + army of pedomonsters = little girl missing. Established. Some creepy weirdo nabbed her, molestered her, and then we have two possibilities for her current fate. Both involve the pedomonster panicking because there's a lot of media on this. He/she/it/they/you/that guy has her locked up or otherwise confined or tied up. Or he killed her. To death.

Which brings up another topic. Can CSI, Law and Order, NCIS, Numbers, and whatever the hell other show please stop providing blueprints for social deviants to commit murders, rapes, kidnappings, thefts, counterfeiting, bad acting and other crimes against humanity? If you watch these shows enough, it gives plenty of ideas of how to try and get away with it. "It" being the operative word for all the aforementioned examples. "Oh look, Bob got caught because of semen in the drain. When I go after this chick, I'm going to not ejaculate into the freaking drain." Most of the morons who commit crimes are too stupid to think of this stuff, please don't try to make them smarten up for your thin plotlines.
So anyway, little girl missing, army of pedomonsters on the march. That's gotta be worse than an army of the dead and those uruk-hai from Lord of the Rings combined. Ew, pedo-orks. Nasty. But yeah, the army of pedomonsters descends on the little girl's north Florida trailer home (there's a shocker) and here we are. Does anyone else get horrible flashbacks to the South Park episode where all the pedos come into the studio, see Chris Hansen, and shoot themselves? No? Well, watch it here, refresh your memory -

There we go. How do we save the little girl? Send the crew from To Catch a Predator to Florida. And if they don't do it, I'll try to distract you with Wookiees on a trapese. Who's going to see that coming?


Little Bug said...

Excuse me. But do you think it is possible that this child theft is a result of your recently posted "leave kids in the car" syndrome?

Little Bug said...

Fox News just said that at the same time the little girl went missing a known sex offender that lived within two hours of her went missing as well. They have called off the search strictly for the little girl and are now focused on finding the sex offender. I assume this is with the belief that finding the offender will lead to finding the girl.