Tuesday, December 27, 2011

How to play Skyrim like a sexually-repressed virgin teenager

Notable tl;dr excerpts:

"Remember this bear here? Fist his fucking face off. Shove your fist up his asshole."

"Rape his ass if you want to; if you're a gay rapist."

"I'm a viking. Look at that bitch, he's fucking dead."

"Kill the fucking walrus. Who the fuck wants to be a walrus? So kill him; end his misery. No one wants to be a walrus."

"Remember you're a fucking badass, so you are the one that killed Bambi's mother. Skin that bitch, make her into leather. That's real important."

"Do everyone a favor and kill Grelod. That fucking bitch. ...Kill this bitch as well because you're badass, remember to be badass. Children? They are fucking pussies, so kill them! They are pussies."

"Do whatever he wants you to do, then beat the shit out of him. Kill that bitch. He's a pussy. Fucking dresses in a fucking... dress, what is this?"

"Rip their fucking hearts out. Don't eat the heart, just the rip the heart out."

"Congratulations, you're now officially a badass. You will get all the titties and nipples in the world."

Thanks Grunthos for inspiring the title!

Monday, November 28, 2011


The following post is a series of images. Jump past the break to view.

Continue reading

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Don't Blink

Whatever you do!
Don’t blink.
Blink and you’re dead.
Don’t turn your back.
Don’t look away.
And don’t blink.
Good Luck.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Матрёшка гараж

 I've been cleaning everything out of the garage. Found my drying rack for hand-washing dishes, but it's dirty. So I put it in the dishwasher.  Then I divided by zero.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


Thursday, November 10, 2011

Skyrim Approacheth

Almost there. One more day. Here, have a comic.

A Message From Vault-Tec

About 22 hours to Skyrim's release. About a day and a half to two days before I play it. I have a wedding to attend on Friday morning, and another one that evening. Hopefully I can get to the store to pick it up between the two of them, but if not then either after the second or Saturday.

So what have I been doing to satiate the first person RPG bug? Been playing Fallout 3 again. For no particular reason. I've already beaten it every which way, and have yet to finish the DLC in Fallout: New Vegas, but it's like a movie you own on DVD or Blue Ray or VHS or Betamax or celluloid or whatever. You're going to go back every few years and watch it. So I feel like playing 3 instead. It's been about 2 years or so since the last time I played it but the last playthroughs were like work, trying to complete an objective rather than just having fun playing.

Although it does bring up the point that I need to finish New Vegas. And a bunch of other games. But I won't be playing anything but Skyrim for a while. So that will be it for a while, Capital Wasteland. This is Three-Dog, ahoo! And this is Galaxy News Radio, bringing you the truth... no matter how much it hurts. Tune in next time, chillllldren!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK... to Tamriel.

 So I took a trip out to Gamestop this morning. Decided I really, truly MUST have Skyrim. And you know, other stuff. So when you're broke and want something, what do you do? Sell your soul to the devil. Or trade in all your games at Gamestop. Same thing, really. So what was on the list of casualties? See below.

The Orange Box
Ace Combat 6: Fires of Liberation
Burnout Paradise
Halo: Reach
Grand Theft Auto IV

Nascar 08
Bulletstorm [EPIC Edition]
Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix
Gears of War 2
Call of Duty 2

Guitar Hero Van Halen
Call of Duty 3

Halo 3: ODST
Viva Pinata
Kameo: Elements of Power
Mercenaries 2: World in Flames
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Project Gotham Racing 3
NCAA Football 07
I got about 86 bucks out of them. Plus I had a $25 gift card. So I pre-ordered Skyrim and paid it off. Now I can lose myself in the game for about a month or two. Hope someone finds me.

Never mind, I take it back.

I also pre-ordered Halo Anniversary. That was I get the cool grunt skull and the Master Chief avatar gear that I don't care about. But hey, Reach map packs! Also the Halo CE campaign with online co-op. It's been a long time since I went through the entire thing, and owning an Xbox original is hardly thrilling at most times. You can't even access the dashboard when you play them, so this is a step in the right direction. The updated graphics using the Reach engine simultaneously with the 2001 343 engine is cool too, but I'm in it for the co-op. Multiplayer is going to be good too. Think back on the maps, and maybe it will all come back. Strategize and whatnot. Shoot some little weiners.

Not what I meant.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I hate my life

I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a cook at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken. I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern belle. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me. And what makes this all worse is that I live in a pineapple under the sea.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Fallout: New Vegas - Honest Hearts

From the The Vault, the Fallout wiki:
Honest Hearts is an upcoming add-on for Fallout: New Vegas, developed by Obsidian Entertainment and published by Bethesda Softworks.

Honest Hearts takes the player on an expedition to the unspoiled wilderness of Utah’s Zion National Park. Things go horribly wrong when your caravan is ambushed by a tribal raiding band. As you try to find a way back to the Mojave, you become embroiled in a war between tribes and a conflict between a New Canaan missionary and the mysterious Burned Man. The decisions you make will determine the fate of Zion.
Coming out simultaneously on Xbox 360, PC, and if it's working, PS3 next Tuesday, May 17th.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Consistently Full of Crap, More Like It

I don't know why, but I felt the need to post this as a sort of open letter on here. I've had problems with my internet for a while, and I pretty much am frustrated to the point where I can't bring myself to call customer service or tech support goons any more. So I sent CenturyLink/Embarq, my ISP, this email. Before anyone says it, no, I don't have the option of getting any other ISP. So don't say it. Not even $attelite internet. Also, it is late, I am tired, and as I mentioned, frustrated. So this letter is not just disjointed, it's a mess. But dammit, it's my mess.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have a problem. Over the last several months, I have dealt with the same problem continuously. I've spent countless hours on the phone with technical support, only to find out that no one in your technical support knows anything.

I pay for 10MB internet. However, my down speed is 0.28 mbps. 0.28. Once more to let it really soak in - 0.28.

No one at CenturyLink/Embarq can understand why. I have one person tell me that there's something wrong on your end, and that they'll check it. Then nobody does. Then I have a guy come out, tell me he doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know what's wrong, and suggests I downgrade to a lower speed. Which I did (3 mb) and it did nothing to alleviate the problem. I put it back to 10.

Now, I do not mean to be a bother to you. However, please understand that I am disabled and suffer from an anxiety disorder. I pay for a service that I do not receive. 0.28 MB is ridiculous. However, the only consistent thing I've been told recently is that someone could come out and check the speed from the house, but if it doesn't show at that precise moment, oh well, see ya, don't forget to pay your bill, BRING MONEY.

Due to the nature of my anxiety and my disability, I can no longer endure the stress of debating with disingenuous customer service and tech support personnel as to whether my problem is moderately important, only for them to give up. No. That's your job. You fix it. You figure out what is wrong and fix it. I don't care if you need to check from inside with a cute little laptop - which no one has even bothered to do yet. I've tried 2 different modems. The modems are not the problem. I've run your tests through CMD. It's been verified. Please rectify this so I can tell people what a great company CenturyLink is, instead of making complaints. I don't want to be that guy. You don't want me to be that guy.

So let me outline what I need, if you please. I pay for 10MB internet service. According to your company anything above 8 or so is acceptable. 0.28 is NOT acceptable. After many months, I cannot get help. I cannot even get a straight answer. Everyone is lackadaisical in their efforts to help me. I would like you to help me. I would like to have the service I am paying for. Soon, if it is not fixed, I will not discontinue my service, because I need the internet. But I will begin communicating with the media about the problem. I will begin with local news; they seem to enjoy reporting on companies who do that sort of thing. Not that I am saying you're like that, of course.

Please do not think that I am some jerk venting at you, the poor worker who is reading this. I am simply frustrated beyond the ability to communicate coherently at this point.


[info redacted for nosy blog readers, ID thieves, etc.]

Addendum: Ironically, my internet is currently so slow that the site has rejected me sending this form in several times now. I am endeavoring to get it through.

I'll update this when I find out more. And for Facebook readers, be sure to check out the original post and the blog at http://bigchiefknockemboots.blogspot.com

Friday, May 6, 2011

Play In Our World, Live In Fear of ID Theft

In the last few days, it started getting real. Info and links with some commentary below. As always, post your questions and comments.
Sony subpoenaed by New York Attorney General
Turns out waiting six days to notify people their information had been compromised was a bad idea. This data was released by the US Department of 'Duh'.

PSN servers were 'unpatched and had no firewall installed,' security expert testifies

This actually says it all - "Sony was using outdated software on its servers — and knew about it months in advance of the recent security breaches that allowed hackers to get private information from over 100 million user accounts."

House Energy & Commerce Committee

Congress sends inquiry to Sony about PSN security breach

Sony: PSN rebuild complete, internal testing in 'final stages'
Yay. Now I can go back on PSN and not care about PSN. Playstation Home is boring now. Qriocity is such a lame attempt to make an app for PS3 and make some money at the same time. Oh, and then there's Life with Playstation. You know, if you want to raise your electric bill so Stanford University can use your PS3 to map isotopes or something. And, you know, no gaems.

Sony to offer PSN users free identity theft protection for one year
What they should have done from the beginning. But they didn't want to spend money. Then shit officially hit the fan and they had to do what everyone had said they should have done. With an ID monitoring company I've never heard of.
Stringer issues apology for 'inconvenience and concern' caused by PSN breach
Sony attempts to save face. Tactically apologizes because they have to. Dumps tons of money into marketing because they're now the Toyota of entertainment.

SCEE 'working incredibly hard' to offer protection for European PSN users
How disingenuous. Sony's been all over the European SOE hack, but has hardly given a crap about North America's compromised PSN. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the nature of the beast. Sony is not a North American company. It is a Japanese company that caters to Asia and Europe, with some trade negotiations across the ocean for good measure. The US, Canada, Mexico, etc will ALWAYS be last on the list. My wife owns a PS3 and a PSP. As I told her last night, I will never buy another Sony product.

Seriously, who wants to play some Halo?

Monday, May 2, 2011

It Only Does 80710A06

For everyone scrambling to cancel debit cards and sell PS3s, Playstation Network had 31,140,307 US account. It's conceited and paranoid to think YOUR information is going to be compromised, out of the entire population of the planet. Sure, better safe than sorry. But melodramatic, theatrical claims that you're going to become a victim of identity theft because of the PSN breach is going from funny to annoying. Contrary to what you believe, nobody wants to be you.

Still, Sony is in some hot water. They should have notified everyone sooner. They should have actually done something. They sent out an email suggesting everyone go to AnnualCreditReport.com for free copies of their credit report. Which you can do once a year. Always. Sony doesn't want to pay for anything, though. They could have, I don't know, invested in $5 a month credit monitoring for accounts. Sure, that's expensive, but not everyone on every account is going to accept. Send out a blanket email, make good on it to those who accept, and bite the bullet-shaped void in your wallet.

I'm not exactly sure how one would bite a void.

If Sony wasn't so disingenuous about this whole thing, they would come out of it with barely a hitch. Instead, they're being closed mouth, turning over all investigation to the FBI, Homeland Security, Congress, a fat woman named Irma, the European Union, the BBB, and anyone else who'll pick up the tab. And then I've noticed Sony has massively increased its advertising. Wat da fa....

Anybody want to play Halo?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Big Chief's Fables, Elephant Edition

In 1986, Peter Davies was on vacation in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on his face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all my friends who send me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Cat in the Hat. And Couch. And Tub. The Cat Gets Into Pretty Much Everything.

So like I said in a previous post, we have a dog and two cats. Well, they scratch everything because they're cats. And that is what cats with claws do. Nala, the smaller one, gets into the inside of the couch too. And ripped open the underside of the box spring on the guest bed, and gets in that. And gets in the bathtub. She gets into everything. Rejar, the other cat, is fat and lays around. He either wants nothing to do with me, or constantly wants me to pet him. Lucy, my dog, follows me around and generally just wants to be near me, and have me pet her and play with her most of the time.

So most of the time, since we moved to Florida, the cats have spent a lot of time in what has apparently become "their" room. But recently, I've insisted the cats have the run of the house except the bedroom and my office. Why have cats if they're going to be, I dunno... aquarium cats? Why keep them in a room? So, out and about they go. They're so happy, laying around and frolicking or whatever happy playful cats do. And I've learned something from their freedom.

I'm not a cat person.

Fun Facts

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Suddenly A Post Appears

What's this? A year? A year since the last post. More than a year, really. What madness is this? (please no Sparta references. The humor market is over saturated in them.) So after more than a year, why post now? And why not post for so long?

I moved twice in the last year. A total of about 1,500 miles. The world turned upside down. Luckily I held on to a tree while everyone else fell into the sky. But I digress.

The point is, here I am. A lot has happened that kept me away. But after hearing several people ask me, right to the point, to start posting here again, I am. I'll try to post more often than, oh, I don't know, once a YEAR. But we'll see.

So, we had one cat. Last summer we got another kitten. Her name is Nala (because my wife named her) and she was adorably cute. Now, she's still cute, but also gross. She's growing up, so now she's in heat. I'm like, oh great, let's hurry and get her spayed. But for some reason we keep forgetting to look up info for that. Like, I could be looking up the info right now, but I'm writing. Writing here. Right now. ALL FOR YOU. See, it's your fault.

I kid! But really, we do keep forgetting because of one thing or another. Like standing in Walmart for 3 hours the other night to get medicine from the pharmacy. Or buying a tanker truck full of paint at Home Depot, and preparing to paint, you know, walls and rooms and stuff. So a friend of mine told me what she does with her cat to stop her from yowling all the time when she's in heat. She advised me to do what she does. "Q-tip fuck" her.

Yeah, no. There's no way I'm doing that. It made me cringe. So eventual spaying it will be. And let us never speak of Q-tips and sexual acts in the same sentence ever again.

We got a dog too. Not a god, like I almost just wrote. Doopid common dyslexic word. A dog. Golden Retriever, female. Her name is Lucy. I'm not sure how I came up with that name, although I was playing a lot of Assassin's Creed Brotherhood then. She's a good dog. The best. She gets along well with Nala, but Rejar (the other cat) is still a little standoffish. He's like that with other dogs too, but hopefully he will warm up to her.

Maybe not.

Lucy isn't fixed either. A few months ago, she was in heat and she was bleeding on the floor. And when she wasn't bleeding on the floor, she was licking her vagoo. Then giving kisses to everyone. She needs to be fixed soon also, before she goes into heat again. Or else my friend will try to Q-tip fuck her too.

Until next time, Reader.