Bring It On

How does one sleep at night knowing their wife has left them to be with someone else they just met? How does one go through their day knowing they won't feel their touch, but someone else is? Who could ever marry and spit upon their vows? I sincerely hope, with all of my heart, that she doesn't end up with someone like her ex boyfriends. They treated her badly. I think, to some underlying psychological degree, she wants that. While stories may be told, the truth is that I loved her too much. I wanted children. I wanted to grow old together. I am not a fast-paced go-out-and-go-places kind of person. I did not need to go out every day and night like she wanted to (and she did.) I only needed her. That wasn't enough for her. I'm sorry. Perhaps she needed me to go with her, but I couldn't. It isn't in my nature. It never was. She felt I didn't trust her. After the first two times she cheated via email / text message / telephone, then started coming home late from work, then sometimes didn't come home at all, how could I trust her? Who could? As she left the apartment, I looked at her through the tears in my eyes. I told her I love her. She said she loved me too. Was it genuine? Or did she feel an obligation to return the sentiment? How does one say they love their spouse and go to the arms of another hours later? The sheriffs remarked on my civility. Apparently not many people sharing circumstances such as mine are as reserved in their emotions. I have enormous respect for law enforcement. I also have enormous respect for myself. I am strong. Soon, I will be physically as well. I will have this back surgery. I will do my core exercises, starting immediately. I will work out on my Total Gym as I did before she came into my life. I will restore my self-respect. I will restore the honor I feel has been stripped from me. I will go on. I will become not just as strong as I used to be, but more - much more. Will I meet someone again? Possibly. I always have wanted a family; I have always wanted children. My "wife" needed to see a fertility specialist, but always procrastinated with self-justifiable reasons such as time or money. Money was never an object for her happiness. I would have bought her the moon if I could have had it delivered. But I digress; I may find someone someday and have children and a family. But I will be cautious. A part of me has been torn away that can never grow back. I will never really "get over" this. All I can do is move on, be strong, and know that I never, ever violated the sanctity of my marriage, always live up to my vows, and always did - and always will - love her. May God look favorably upon me and have mercy on a poor man trying to do right in this world. And may God watch over her and protect her, not only from the things others would do to her but from the things she may do to herself. Underneath all of this, there is a sweet, genuinely wonderful baby girl. I am sad to lose her. I cry. But this is the path she has chosen. I find myself amidst a dense forest of sadness, but in true Michael G Miller style I wield a chainsaw of awesome and butt-kickery. Fear me, oh foes of joy and truthiness!

I invite all of you, friends, of all faiths, lack of faith, contempt toward faith, named Faith, whatever, to keep me in your thoughts. While some of you may have come to know me just from stupid Facebook games, any of you who have met me and I have found myself fortunate enough to call my friend, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am not a man of many emotions. There's usually just hungry, sleepy, etc. But I have never been hurt so bad. I am no emo suicide weiner, but I do receive disability for a reason - General Anxiety Disorder. I may have lucid moments, but I will not be handling this well. I will cry a lot. I will try to go on with my daily life as usual. But it hurts me to think. All I can think of, all I can feel is the pain of losing my wife. My companion. My best friend. The one person in this world I always thought would comfort me, and would always be there for me. This time, she chooses herself. That is ok. I can take it. A long time ago, when we were just getting together, I sang a song to her. A song that made her weep. It makes me weep now as I listen to it. Trace Adkins.

Troubled soul, all alone
I can feel your sadness
The hearache and the madness

Are hittin' hard tonight
You're cornered up and hunkered down
The walls are tall around you
For anyone to break through
It's gonna be a fight

Bring it on, bring it on
All your heartache and frustration
You've been done wrong too long
And I'm strong enough to change it
Maybe in time, we'll turn water into wine
Maybe love is what we'll find
Bring it on

It's not too late to fly away
And I won't try to stop you
So you do what you've got to
I'll understand
But if you need a place to land

A haven, safe and certain
Someone to share your burden
Then take my hand

Bring it on, bring it on
All your heartache and frustration
You've been done wrong too long
And I'm strong enough to change it
Maybe in time, we'll turn water into wine
Maybe love is what we'll find
Bring it on