Thursday, October 25, 2012

Schwarzenegger Returning for ‘Legend of Conan’

About a year from now, we’ll have a pretty good idea of whether or not the long-heralded return of Arnold Schwarzenegger to the silver screen was actually a good idea. But for now, fans are riding high on a wave of nostalgia at the thought of one of yesteryear’s greatest action stars making a comeback.

I was on board until Malmberg said this:

“The original ended with Arnold on the throne as a seasoned warrior, and this is the take of the film we will make… It’s that Nordic Viking mythic guy who has played the role of king, warrior, soldier and mercenary, and who has bedded more women than anyone, nearing the last cycle of his life. He knows he’ll be going to Valhalla, and wants to go out with a good battle.”

That paragraph alone destroys the character from Robert E. Howard, and bastardizes it for Hollywood by dumbing it down and making it more digestible for the masses. Conan was nothing even remotely like a "Nordic Viking" guy. He was a Cimmerian, which was loosely based on the barbarian tribes of early Europe. He became king of Aquilonia, another fictional 'kingdom' created by Howard, which could best be placed in France and southern Britain.

No matter how well Ahnuld acts, the entire thing is hinged on the story and the director. And now that we know the producer is a certifiable shill, and that the story of Conan is being written by the same jackass who wrote a movie about street racing and tough guys pulling off a heist. If 47 Ronin turns out not to be half bad, it may have a snowcone's chance in hell. But this entire situation does not bode well for Conan.

I shouldn't be surprised any more when Hollywood does this. People in the entertainment industry aren't out of touch with what people want, but they're out of touch with what they're doing. Never have I seen a person at their stupidest than when money is involved. So instead of the REH Conan pretty decently depicted in the two original films, expect to see Last Action Hero Ahnuld with a sword. Or worse. God help us if the end credits roll to Gangnam Style.

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