Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Chapter Seventeen


CHAPTER SEVENTEEN


THE ARBOREAL CONSPIRACY




Trees. They are everywhere. In the 1989 James Cameron film Aliens, the alien monsters were everywhere. This can't be a coincidence. And, like in that film, representative of a horror plaguing mankind in its near future, trees are bent on our destruction – sitting there, watching us with their rough, bark-covered eyes, plotting, planning, waiting for the time when it is poignant to make their move. And what is this move? What will be the method of our destruction? Most would presume to say it would be hurricane-force winds, the trees “conveniently” leaning over and “accidentally” falling over onto our homes, or worse. Just imagine walking down the street and POW! Flying tree smacks you in the head, knocking you to the ground, spilling your juice or whatever tasty beverage you may have chosen to enjoy at that particular moment in history. This terror is a reality that will not go away just because the reader of this chapter finds it difficult to believe I could conceive such a notion as malevolent trees. It is coming. And I am going to make you understand why, until your cognitive abilities hurt.

The first tree was potentially discovered over 200 million years ago on the supercontinent Gondwana (formerly Gondwanaland). Although this was in the vicinity of what is now Antarctica, the temperatures at this time were perfect for the propagation of the arboreal armadas. During this period of time, the world saw the rise of the civilization of the cone-shaped beings known in the researches of Nathaniel Wingate Peaslee as the Great Race of Yith. I'm sure these two mighty forces must have met on multiple occasions in dramatic battles of the sort one sees in only the Oscar-winning movies, or the ravings of madmen. We will hope for the sake of my own credibility that this book is picked up for at least a made-for-tv movie.

Chapter Fourteen

CHAPTER FOURTEEN 


VAMPIRES, LYCANTHROPY, AND THE BOOGEYMAN 



I. 



Vampires 




“Vampires like it windy.” 
- Dr. John Dorian 

Chapter One


CHAPTER ONE 


THE TRUE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE AND THE INHERENT DISAPPOINTMENT THEREIN 




The night sky is an interesting thing. Nothing more than a thin layer of gas against an expanse of interminable darkness, it invokes a sense of awe in even the most poetically deficient souls. The Earth rotates at a speed of over one thousand miles per hour, and revolves around the sun at a speed of about 67,000 miles an hour. We cling to our hunk of rock, mercifully oblivious to the cosmos as a whole - even Carl Sagan might have been hard-pressed to think of a suitably non-horrifying way to objectively describe humanity's place in the universe. The universe is a vast expanse of space, but it is far from empty. Of course, we know of the planets, stars, suns and moons, galaxies, pulsars, quasars, black holes, nebulae, and everything else we were spoon-fed since we were kids. We sat and nodded and absorbed the information, never thinking twice about it, never questioning anything - we just wanted playtime and dibs on the Flintstone Phone. But, short of the knowledge of astrophysicists, and well beyond it as well, what if there is more?

What if. "What if" is the way you start a conversation involving a few of your drunk buddies, or a question you ask yourself as you sit in an empty apartment wishing your life had gone differently, inevitably drawing a lovely bath with soapy pink bubbles, candles, soft music and a razorblade. There's no "What if's" if you are reading this book. You have gazed into the abyss, told Nietzsche to get bent, and fought 100,000 years of human instinct to keep your mind from trying to run in two directions at once, and succeeded! Good for you! 

The fact of the matter is that there is more, much more, to the universe than we as a collective society have ever even pondered, let alone discovered. There have been plenty of clues floating about right under our noses, clues in the form of legends, superstitions, arcane texts, esotericism, and, sadly, the insane ramblings of madmen. The mind is an imperfect container. It can hold sanity or Ultimate Truth, but to add more of one, some of the other must spill out. But, since the American Psychiatric Association doesn't recognize insanity, we'll just throw the wingnuts in a little room and get on with things.

Next time you go out at night, take a glimpse up at the sky. Hopefully, it will be overcast, and one can have a false sense of security under their blanket of water vapor. But on a clear night, when there is no outside light to pollute the view of the infinite, and the stars shine and the black spaces between them seem just a bit darker than they should, tell me you don't get a small feeling of agoraphobia. Or, in the case of a Lovecraftian protagonist, faint, run away, or simply fall over dead.

In a way, we are the France of the Multiverse. When a danger looms near, and we think of our families and of our futures and of our grapes and of our long bread and berets and Daft Punk, we would sooner surrender than to face the demons that wait outside the spheres of our understanding. Who can blame us? We're only human.

Table of Contents

Did you know that Big Chief's Pocket Guide to Life was originally intended to be a book? A book written to inform and prepare the willing reader for a reality that exists in the darker parts of daily life. Some see it. Some don't see it. Some choose not to see it. But reality was never really big on being subjective.

Griffin's Pocket Guide to the Cthulhu Mythos was the idea that spawned this blog, and the greatness contained herein. I never got far with the book itself, but I thought it might be fun to share the table of contents with you. I will post a few snippets of the chapters I actually started working on too, in separate blog entries (be sure to check them out too!) And, dear reader, be sure to comment and let me know what you think!



Griffin’s Pocket Guide 

to the 

Cthulhu Mythos 



Table of Contents 



Chapter I – The True Nature of the Universe and the Inherent Disappointment Therein

Chapter II – A Brief History of Why We Are All Boned

Chapter III – God, Gods, Religion, And A Whole Lot of Oversight

Chapter IV – Arkham. The Great Freaky Shit Magnet

Chapter V – Innsmouth, Deep Ones and You

Chapter VI – Dunwich, Antarctica and Pretty Much Everywhere Else

Chapter VII – So You’re Surrounded By Mi-Go

Chapter VIII – Yithians? Hounds of Tindalos? Hitler’s Brain? Goddammit I Hate Time Travel

Chapter IX – Magic, Magick, Majik, Whatever

Chapter X – To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Chapter XI – Bankruptcy. Ha! Get It?

Chapter XII – Graach! Zombies!

Chapter XIV – Vampires, Lycanthropy, and The Boogeyman

Chapter XV - Luck is a Bitch Goddess

Chapter XVI – The Government. Please. Don’t Make Me Laugh.

Chapter XVII – The Arboreal Conspiracy

Chapter XVIII – The Stars. They Suck. Fuck Them Being Right.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

I Shall Have 4 Children


I shall have 4 children.

My first daughter shall be named Stacy. My wife will be Stacy's mom. And she shall have it going on. My first son shall be named Luke. Then, I can say "Luke, I am your father." My second daughter shall be named Narnia. Whenever I get something for her, I shall proclaim, "For Narnia!" And my last son shall be named Sparta. Thus, when I introduce him, I shall announce, "This is Sparta."


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