THE ARBOREAL CONSPIRACY
Trees. They are everywhere. In the 1989 James Cameron film Aliens, the alien monsters were everywhere. This can't be a coincidence. And, like in that film, representative of a horror plaguing mankind in its near future, trees are bent on our destruction – sitting there, watching us with their rough, bark-covered eyes, plotting, planning, waiting for the time when it is poignant to make their move. And what is this move? What will be the method of our destruction? Most would presume to say it would be hurricane-force winds, the trees “conveniently” leaning over and “accidentally” falling over onto our homes, or worse. Just imagine walking down the street and POW! Flying tree smacks you in the head, knocking you to the ground, spilling your juice or whatever tasty beverage you may have chosen to enjoy at that particular moment in history. This terror is a reality that will not go away just because the reader of this chapter finds it difficult to believe I could conceive such a notion as malevolent trees. It is coming. And I am going to make you understand why, until your cognitive abilities hurt.
The first tree was potentially discovered over 200 million years ago on the supercontinent Gondwana (formerly Gondwanaland). Although this was in the vicinity of what is now Antarctica, the temperatures at this time were perfect for the propagation of the arboreal armadas. During this period of time, the world saw the rise of the civilization of the cone-shaped beings known in the researches of Nathaniel Wingate Peaslee as the Great Race of Yith. I'm sure these two mighty forces must have met on multiple occasions in dramatic battles of the sort one sees in only the Oscar-winning movies, or the ravings of madmen. We will hope for the sake of my own credibility that this book is picked up for at least a made-for-tv movie.