Big Chief's Pocket Guide to Life

How to play Skyrim like a sexually-repressed virgin teenager

2011-12-27T21:52:00.000-05:00

Notable tl;dr excerpts:

"Remember this bear here? Fist his fucking face off. Shove your fist up his asshole."

"Rape his ass if you want to; if you're a gay rapist."

"I'm a viking. Look at that bitch, he's fucking dead."

"Kill the fucking walrus. Who the fuck wants to be a walrus? So kill him; end his misery. No one wants to be a walrus."

"Remember you're a fucking badass, so you are the one that killed Bambi's mother. Skin that bitch, make her into leather. That's real important."

"Do everyone a favor and kill Grelod. That fucking bitch. ...Kill this bitch as well because you're badass, remember to be badass. Children? They are fucking pussies, so kill them! They are pussies."

"Do whatever he wants you to do, then beat the shit out of him. Kill that bitch. He's a pussy. Fucking dresses in a fucking... dress, what is this?"

"Rip their fucking hearts out. Don't eat the heart, just the rip the heart out."

"Congratulations, you're now officially a badass. You will get all the titties and nipples in the world."

Thanks Grunthos for inspiring the title!

Wabbajack

2011-11-28T21:31:00.000-05:00

Source: Rodie-The-Nightblade

Don't Blink

2011-11-23T14:13:00.000-05:00

DON'T BLINK!

Whatever you do!

Don’t blink.

Blink and you’re dead.

Don’t turn your back.

Don’t look away.

And don’t blink.

Good Luck.

Матрёшка гараж

2011-11-19T11:24:00.000-05:00

I've been cleaning everything out of the garage. Found my drying rack for hand-washing dishes, but it's dirty. So I put it in the dishwasher. Then I divided by zero.

Skyrim!

2011-11-13T00:52:00.004-05:00

Skyrim Approacheth

2011-11-10T16:00:00.000-05:00

Almost there. One more day. Here, have a comic.

A Message From Vault-Tec

2011-11-10T02:02:00.001-05:00

About 22 hours to Skyrim's release. About a day and a half to two days before I play it. I have a wedding to attend on Friday morning, and another one that evening. Hopefully I can get to the store to pick it up between the two of them, but if not then either after the second or Saturday.

So what have I been doing to satiate the first person RPG bug? Been playing Fallout 3 again. For no particular reason. I've already beaten it every which way, and have yet to finish the DLC in Fallout: New Vegas, but it's like a movie you own on DVD or Blue Ray or VHS or Betamax or celluloid or whatever. You're going to go back every few years and watch it. So I feel like playing 3 instead. It's been about 2 years or so since the last time I played it but the last playthroughs were like work, trying to complete an objective rather than just having fun playing.

Although it does bring up the point that I need to finish New Vegas. And a bunch of other games. But I won't be playing anything but Skyrim for a while. So that will be it for a while, Capital Wasteland. This is Three-Dog, ahoo! And this is Galaxy News Radio, bringing you the truth... no matter how much it hurts. Tune in next time, chillllldren!

Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK... to Tamriel.

2011-11-08T14:32:00.001-05:00

So I took a trip out to Gamestop this morning. Decided I really, truly MUST have Skyrim. And you know, other stuff. So when you're broke and want something, what do you do? Sell your soul to the devil. Or trade in all your games at Gamestop. Same thing, really. So what was on the list of casualties? See below.

The Orange Box
Ace Combat 6: Fires of Liberation
Burnout Paradise
Halo: Reach
Grand Theft Auto IV
Nascar 08
Bulletstorm [EPIC Edition]
Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix
Gears of War 2
Call of Duty 2
Guitar Hero Van Halen
Call of Duty 3
Halo 3: ODST
Viva Pinata
Kameo: Elements of Power
Mercenaries 2: World in Flames
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Crackdown
Project Gotham Racing 3
NCAA Football 07

I got about 86 bucks out of them. Plus I had a $25 gift card. So I pre-ordered Skyrim and paid it off. Now I can lose myself in the game for about a month or two. Hope someone finds me.

Never mind, I take it back.

I also pre-ordered Halo Anniversary. That was I get the cool grunt skull and the Master Chief avatar gear that I don't care about. But hey, Reach map packs! Also the Halo CE campaign with online co-op. It's been a long time since I went through the entire thing, and owning an Xbox original is hardly thrilling at most times. You can't even access the dashboard when you play them, so this is a step in the right direction. The updated graphics using the Reach engine simultaneously with the 2001 343 engine is cool too, but I'm in it for the co-op. Multiplayer is going to be good too. Think back on the maps, and maybe it will all come back. Strategize and whatnot. Shoot some little weiners.

Not what I meant.

Going Up

2011-09-15T18:50:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking for a while about what to say following my last post. Nothing seems to sufficiently explain how I have felt, what I have done, or what I will do following this whole... thing. Am I doing better? I'd say so. I've deep cleaned the house, re-organized, re-arranged, re-assessed, and have been trying to look to the future more than I look to the past. Looking to the present is usually out of the question, or else I end up thinking about her. What is she doing right now? Who is she with? Does she know what she did? Does she think about me? Sometimes I look at the other side of the bed. I'll extend my arm. And then I'll cry softly to myself.

Well, that emotional unpleasantness needs to be reduced or stop entirely. I want to move on with my life, and I want to meet someone new and have a real, meaningful relationship with a woman I trust will never leave me. I want to have kids, a family and grow old with a wife and watch my kids grow up. But how do you forget the past few years of your life? How do you forget your best friend? How do you stop looking back on your life with them - the good times and the bad? I have been thinking a lot about the good. There never really seemed to be too much bad. Everyone argues. I didn't think we did too badly. Maybe she thinks we did. Or maybe it's as simple as her life bored her. I bored her, her marriage bored her. She wanted something new and exciting, so she left me for a guy she just met at work. She listened to the advice of her friends - harpies without a clue, without morals or grounds to make judgments - and she listened to the whispers of a married man not only intent on being adulterous in spite of his own wife, but breaking apart the marriage of another person. "He's no good for you. You can do better." And then sex. Predictably, it will end in disaster. She will be dropped like a bad habit, and she will know her error. But then it is too late. There is no going back. And for this, I am terribly sad. For her.

I was left with hundreds of dollars in unpaid bills. She told me she paid the electric, and the doctor, and more. She didn't. She kept the money, saving it, knowing she was leaving (I suppose.) But now, my finances are in ruins. I've had to drop every service I had. No long distance telephone, call waiting or caller id. Satellite dropped to minimal programming; soon to be cancelled entirely, and facing a 200 to 300 dollar early termination fee. Internet speed reduced, possibly being disconnected if I cannot jungle expenses. Even my car insurance has been lowered to the absolute minimum it can be. I don't even have bodily injury any more. And the car itself is in poor repair. It's mechanically poor, and cosmetically - she crashed it, and on top of that someone ran into it at Wal-Mart a few years ago and drove off. I need to buy a new fender, front bumper, and rear bumper - at the minimum - for the car to look decent again. Which means going to a U-Pull-It junkyard and doing all the work myself. I would have no money for a business to do it. The car's front end is out of alignment, something is amiss with the brake fluid, and a tail light is out (although I don't know which one, since it is 'going' out right now, needing to be replaced.) I'm looking at a lot of financial hardship, and a lot of work to get my life back together post-wife.

She came over today. I had taken Lucy for a very long walk (Lucy is my dog, for you readers who don't read back posts!) and then I came home, did mass amounts of laundry, and got a good strong work-out in. I stripped and took a shower... Now, mind you, my showers are not long. Ten minutes, fifteen if I'm slow. So during that time, she came over. I found a plastic grocery bag hanging from the door with a note stapled to it. The note read, "For Michael". Upon opening it, it read,

Here is the stuff I ended
up w/ that is yours.
No, the ring should not be
in this bag, but the
cell phone should.

~ Me

Love on Lucy for me [smiley face]

I don't know if she knocked. I don't know if she was alone. Part of me wonders if she rode with her new boyfriend, hung the prepared bag on the knob, and took off. Another wonders if she wanted to see me. The bag contained some bills, some photographs (not of her or us), Lucy's harness, and my cell phone. For Lucy's harness I am glad, because now when I take her for her walks, if she pulls she will not get choked by simply having only collar and leash. The cell phone however...

The cell phone is a tracfone that the government provided me because I am on disability. She applied for it. She always had it. She used all the minutes, purchase more cards (in amounts of $40 plus) for more time, most likely because she was always calling her new boyfriend. Regardless, she returned the phone with the memory completely wiped, and only six minutes remaining. In other words, she returned a small reminder of her betrayal that will go unused into a cardboard box. I cancelled the government service that gave the phone free minutes each month shortly after she left, so I am sure to her, the phone was worthless. And I am sure she now has a phone given to her by one of her harpie friends, boyfriends, fuck buddies, or some other poor soul who just doesn't know what they are getting into.

So in the end, she did not bring the divorce papers, nor did she bring back the engagement ring. The latter I asked for because it is a family heirloom. Upon its return, it will go into a box, and may never again see day's light upon it for many years time. She promised me should we return it, and in the promise went the last vestige of trust I could hold for her. So now I await both ring and papers, which I will sign, return, and bid her goodbye. And if God looks upon me with fairness, kindness, or even takes pity on me, he will put a tear in her eye at the life she left. And I will walk on.

I wanted a long life together. I only ever wanted to be with her. But some things are not meant to be. Everything happens according to a master plan that we cannot fathom. Sure, I could wax philosophic and post epistemologically, but I will try to stay objective. Whether we wholly control our own destinies or that our fate is entirely predetermined is not the question. The question is, at what point do we look past ourselves and stop to think about not whether bad things happen to good people by chance but how do we perceive such concepts, by what means do we accept them, and how will we live our lives according to it? I believe her leaving was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. I believe that nothing will ever hurt me as much again. And I believe that there has to be someone for me that will love me with all their heart, soul and mind. I believe there is someone who would never, ever leave me. And I believe I will find this person so long as I hold my head high. I will go to my grave knowing I never cheated on my wife, and that I always did everything I could to let her know every day that I loved her. And that, my friends, is what life is all about. Knowing you are a good person, being honest and considering the people around you may not seem rewarding. But these things, and the kindness and humility one may show, they make me a rich man indeed.

I may no longer have my wife. But I have myself. And God willing, I shall persevere. I will miss what we had, and I will miss who she was, but I will live on. And so will the deeds I have done, and the friendships and relationships I have made will stay strong. I am in the most difficult part of my life. But I am walking forward. One foot moves in front of the other. One step at a time.

She Thinks I Still Care

2011-09-11T15:41:00.008-04:00

Me and my... wife. Before she left me for someone else.

Bring It On

2011-08-31T21:04:00.001-04:00

How does one sleep at night knowing their wife has left them to be with someone else they just met? How does one go through their day knowing they won't feel their touch, but someone else is? Who could ever marry and spit upon their vows? I sincerely hope, with all of my heart, that she doesn't end up with someone like her ex boyfriends. They treated her badly. I think, to some underlying psychological degree, she wants that. While stories may be told, the truth is that I loved her too much. I wanted children. I wanted to grow old together. I am not a fast-paced go-out-and-go-places kind of person. I did not need to go out every day and night like she wanted to (and she did.) I only needed her. That wasn't enough for her. I'm sorry. Perhaps she needed me to go with her, but I couldn't. It isn't in my nature. It never was. She felt I didn't trust her. After the first two times she cheated via email / text message / telephone, then started coming home late from work, then sometimes didn't come home at all, how could I trust her? Who could? As she left the apartment, I looked at her through the tears in my eyes. I told her I love her. She said she loved me too. Was it genuine? Or did she feel an obligation to return the sentiment? How does one say they love their spouse and go to the arms of another hours later? The sheriffs remarked on my civility. Apparently not many people sharing circumstances such as mine are as reserved in their emotions. I have enormous respect for law enforcement. I also have enormous respect for myself. I am strong. Soon, I will be physically as well. I will have this back surgery. I will do my core exercises, starting immediately. I will work out on my Total Gym as I did before she came into my life. I will restore my self-respect. I will restore the honor I feel has been stripped from me. I will go on. I will become not just as strong as I used to be, but more - much more. Will I meet someone again? Possibly. I always have wanted a family; I have always wanted children. My "wife" needed to see a fertility specialist, but always procrastinated with self-justifiable reasons such as time or money. Money was never an object for her happiness. I would have bought her the moon if I could have had it delivered. But I digress; I may find someone someday and have children and a family. But I will be cautious. A part of me has been torn away that can never grow back. I will never really "get over" this. All I can do is move on, be strong, and know that I never, ever violated the sanctity of my marriage, always live up to my vows, and always did - and always will - love her. May God look favorably upon me and have mercy on a poor man trying to do right in this world. And may God watch over her and protect her, not only from the things others would do to her but from the things she may do to herself. Underneath all of this, there is a sweet, genuinely wonderful baby girl. I am sad to lose her. I cry. But this is the path she has chosen. I find myself amidst a dense forest of sadness, but in true Michael G Miller style I wield a chainsaw of awesome and butt-kickery. Fear me, oh foes of joy and truthiness!

I invite all of you, friends, of all faiths, lack of faith, contempt toward faith, named Faith, whatever, to keep me in your thoughts. While some of you may have come to know me just from stupid Facebook games, any of you who have met me and I have found myself fortunate enough to call my friend, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am not a man of many emotions. There's usually just hungry, sleepy, etc. But I have never been hurt so bad. I am no emo suicide weiner, but I do receive disability for a reason - General Anxiety Disorder. I may have lucid moments, but I will not be handling this well. I will cry a lot. I will try to go on with my daily life as usual. But it hurts me to think. All I can think of, all I can feel is the pain of losing my wife. My companion. My best friend. The one person in this world I always thought would comfort me, and would always be there for me. This time, she chooses herself. That is ok. I can take it. A long time ago, when we were just getting together, I sang a song to her. A song that made her weep. It makes me weep now as I listen to it. Trace Adkins.

Troubled soul, all alone
I can feel your sadness
The hearache and the madness

Are hittin' hard tonight
You're cornered up and hunkered down
The walls are tall around you
For anyone to break through
It's gonna be a fight

Bring it on, bring it on
All your heartache and frustration
You've been done wrong too long
And I'm strong enough to change it
Maybe in time, we'll turn water into wine
Maybe love is what we'll find
Bring it on

It's not too late to fly away
And I won't try to stop you
So you do what you've got to
I'll understand
But if you need a place to land

A haven, safe and certain
Someone to share your burden
Then take my hand

Bring it on, bring it on
All your heartache and frustration
You've been done wrong too long
And I'm strong enough to change it
Maybe in time, we'll turn water into wine
Maybe love is what we'll find
Bring it on

I hate my life

2011-08-30T01:45:00.001-04:00

I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a cook at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken. I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern belle. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me. And what makes this all worse is that I live in a pineapple under the sea.

Fallout: New Vegas - Honest Hearts

2011-05-11T22:19:00.001-04:00

From the The Vault, the Fallout wiki:

Honest Hearts is an upcoming add-on for Fallout: New Vegas, developed by Obsidian Entertainment and published by Bethesda Softworks.

Honest Hearts takes the player on an expedition to the unspoiled wilderness of Utah’s Zion National Park. Things go horribly wrong when your caravan is ambushed by a tribal raiding band. As you try to find a way back to the Mojave, you become embroiled in a war between tribes and a conflict between a New Canaan missionary and the mysterious Burned Man. The decisions you make will determine the fate of Zion.

Coming out simultaneously on Xbox 360, PC, and if it's working, PS3 next Tuesday, May 17th.

Consistently Full of Crap, More Like It

2011-05-10T23:34:00.001-04:00

I don't know why, but I felt the need to post this as a sort of open letter on here. I've had problems with my internet for a while, and I pretty much am frustrated to the point where I can't bring myself to call customer service or tech support goons any more. So I sent CenturyLink/Embarq, my ISP, this email. Before anyone says it, no, I don't have the option of getting any other ISP. So don't say it. Not even $attelite internet. Also, it is late, I am tired, and as I mentioned, frustrated. So this letter is not just disjointed, it's a mess. But dammit, it's my mess.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have a problem. Over the last several months, I have dealt with the same problem continuously. I've spent countless hours on the phone with technical support, only to find out that no one in your technical support knows anything.

I pay for 10MB internet. However, my down speed is 0.28 mbps. 0.28. Once more to let it really soak in - 0.28.

No one at CenturyLink/Embarq can understand why. I have one person tell me that there's something wrong on your end, and that they'll check it. Then nobody does. Then I have a guy come out, tell me he doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know what's wrong, and suggests I downgrade to a lower speed. Which I did (3 mb) and it did nothing to alleviate the problem. I put it back to 10.

Now, I do not mean to be a bother to you. However, please understand that I am disabled and suffer from an anxiety disorder. I pay for a service that I do not receive. 0.28 MB is ridiculous. However, the only consistent thing I've been told recently is that someone could come out and check the speed from the house, but if it doesn't show at that precise moment, oh well, see ya, don't forget to pay your bill, BRING MONEY.

Due to the nature of my anxiety and my disability, I can no longer endure the stress of debating with disingenuous customer service and tech support personnel as to whether my problem is moderately important, only for them to give up. No. That's your job. You fix it. You figure out what is wrong and fix it. I don't care if you need to check from inside with a cute little laptop - which no one has even bothered to do yet. I've tried 2 different modems. The modems are not the problem. I've run your tests through CMD. It's been verified. Please rectify this so I can tell people what a great company CenturyLink is, instead of making complaints. I don't want to be that guy. You don't want me to be that guy.

So let me outline what I need, if you please. I pay for 10MB internet service. According to your company anything above 8 or so is acceptable. 0.28 is NOT acceptable. After many months, I cannot get help. I cannot even get a straight answer. Everyone is lackadaisical in their efforts to help me. I would like you to help me. I would like to have the service I am paying for. Soon, if it is not fixed, I will not discontinue my service, because I need the internet. But I will begin communicating with the media about the problem. I will begin with local news; they seem to enjoy reporting on companies who do that sort of thing. Not that I am saying you're like that, of course.

Please do not think that I am some jerk venting at you, the poor worker who is reading this. I am simply frustrated beyond the ability to communicate coherently at this point.

Thanks,

[info redacted for nosy blog readers, ID thieves, etc.]

Addendum: Ironically, my internet is currently so slow that the site has rejected me sending this form in several times now. I am endeavoring to get it through.

I'll update this when I find out more. And for Facebook readers, be sure to check out the original post and the blog at http://bigchiefknockemboots.blogspot.com

Play In Our World, Live In Fear of ID Theft

2011-05-06T15:24:00.001-04:00

In the last few days, it started getting real. Info and links with some commentary below. As always, post your questions and comments.

Sony subpoenaed by New York Attorney General
Turns out waiting six days to notify people their information had been compromised was a bad idea. This data was released by the US Department of 'Duh'.

PSN servers were 'unpatched and had no firewall installed,' security expert testifies

This actually says it all - "Sony was using outdated software on its servers — and knew about it months in advance of the recent security breaches that allowed hackers to get private information from over 100 million user accounts."

House Energy & Commerce Committee

Congress sends inquiry to Sony about PSN security breach

Sony: PSN rebuild complete, internal testing in 'final stages'
Yay. Now I can go back on PSN and not care about PSN. Playstation Home is boring now. Qriocity is such a lame attempt to make an app for PS3 and make some money at the same time. Oh, and then there's Life with Playstation. You know, if you want to raise your electric bill so Stanford University can use your PS3 to map isotopes or something. And, you know, no gaems.

Sony to offer PSN users free identity theft protection for one year
What they should have done from the beginning. But they didn't want to spend money. Then shit officially hit the fan and they had to do what everyone had said they should have done. With an ID monitoring company I've never heard of.
Stringer issues apology for 'inconvenience and concern' caused by PSN breach
Sony attempts to save face. Tactically apologizes because they have to. Dumps tons of money into marketing because they're now the Toyota of entertainment.

SCEE 'working incredibly hard' to offer protection for European PSN users
How disingenuous. Sony's been all over the European SOE hack, but has hardly given a crap about North America's compromised PSN. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the nature of the beast. Sony is not a North American company. It is a Japanese company that caters to Asia and Europe, with some trade negotiations across the ocean for good measure. The US, Canada, Mexico, etc will ALWAYS be last on the list. My wife owns a PS3 and a PSP. As I told her last night, I will never buy another Sony product.

Seriously, who wants to play some Halo?

It Only Does 80710A06

2011-05-02T12:07:00.001-04:00

For everyone scrambling to cancel debit cards and sell PS3s, Playstation Network had 31,140,307 US account. It's conceited and paranoid to think YOUR information is going to be compromised, out of the entire population of the planet. Sure, better safe than sorry. But melodramatic, theatrical claims that you're going to become a victim of identity theft because of the PSN breach is going from funny to annoying. Contrary to what you believe, nobody wants to be you.

Still, Sony is in some hot water. They should have notified everyone sooner. They should have actually done something. They sent out an email suggesting everyone go to AnnualCreditReport.com for free copies of their credit report. Which you can do once a year. Always. Sony doesn't want to pay for anything, though. They could have, I don't know, invested in $5 a month credit monitoring for accounts. Sure, that's expensive, but not everyone on every account is going to accept. Send out a blanket email, make good on it to those who accept, and bite the bullet-shaped void in your wallet.

I'm not exactly sure how one would bite a void.

If Sony wasn't so disingenuous about this whole thing, they would come out of it with barely a hitch. Instead, they're being closed mouth, turning over all investigation to the FBI, Homeland Security, Congress, a fat woman named Irma, the European Union, the BBB, and anyone else who'll pick up the tab. And then I've noticed Sony has massively increased its advertising. Wat da fa....

Anybody want to play Halo?

Big Chief's Fables, Elephant Edition

2011-04-15T23:57:00.001-04:00

In 1986, Peter Davies was on vacation in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on his face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all my friends who send me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

The Cat in the Hat. And Couch. And Tub. The Cat Gets Into Pretty Much Everything.

2011-04-14T20:19:00.005-04:00

So like I said in a previous post, we have a dog and two cats. Well, they scratch everything because they're cats. And that is what cats with claws do. Nala, the smaller one, gets into the inside of the couch too. And ripped open the underside of the box spring on the guest bed, and gets in that. And gets in the bathtub. She gets into everything. Rejar, the other cat, is fat and lays around. He either wants nothing to do with me, or constantly wants me to pet him. Lucy, my dog, follows me around and generally just wants to be near me, and have me pet her and play with her most of the time.

So most of the time, since we moved to Florida, the cats have spent a lot of time in what has apparently become "their" room. But recently, I've insisted the cats have the run of the house except the bedroom and my office. Why have cats if they're going to be, I dunno... aquarium cats? Why keep them in a room? So, out and about they go. They're so happy, laying around and frolicking or whatever happy playful cats do. And I've learned something from their freedom.

I'm not a cat person.

Fun Facts

2011-04-14T19:22:00.001-04:00

Suddenly A Post Appears

2011-04-13T15:51:00.001-04:00

What's this? A year? A year since the last post. More than a year, really. What madness is this? (please no Sparta references. The humor market is over saturated in them.) So after more than a year, why post now? And why not post for so long?

I moved twice in the last year. A total of about 1,500 miles. The world turned upside down. Luckily I held on to a tree while everyone else fell into the sky. But I digress.

The point is, here I am. A lot has happened that kept me away. But after hearing several people ask me, right to the point, to start posting here again, I am. I'll try to post more often than, oh, I don't know, once a YEAR. But we'll see.

So, we had one cat. Last summer we got another kitten. Her name is Nala (because my wife named her) and she was adorably cute. Now, she's still cute, but also gross. She's growing up, so now she's in heat. I'm like, oh great, let's hurry and get her spayed. But for some reason we keep forgetting to look up info for that. Like, I could be looking up the info right now, but I'm writing. Writing here. Right now. ALL FOR YOU. See, it's your fault.

I kid! But really, we do keep forgetting because of one thing or another. Like standing in Walmart for 3 hours the other night to get medicine from the pharmacy. Or buying a tanker truck full of paint at Home Depot, and preparing to paint, you know, walls and rooms and stuff. So a friend of mine told me what she does with her cat to stop her from yowling all the time when she's in heat. She advised me to do what she does. "Q-tip fuck" her.

Yeah, no. There's no way I'm doing that. It made me cringe. So eventual spaying it will be. And let us never speak of Q-tips and sexual acts in the same sentence ever again.

We got a dog too. Not a god, like I almost just wrote. Doopid common dyslexic word. A dog. Golden Retriever, female. Her name is Lucy. I'm not sure how I came up with that name, although I was playing a lot of Assassin's Creed Brotherhood then. She's a good dog. The best. She gets along well with Nala, but Rejar (the other cat) is still a little standoffish. He's like that with other dogs too, but hopefully he will warm up to her.

Maybe not.

Lucy isn't fixed either. A few months ago, she was in heat and she was bleeding on the floor. And when she wasn't bleeding on the floor, she was licking her vagoo. Then giving kisses to everyone. She needs to be fixed soon also, before she goes into heat again. Or else my friend will try to Q-tip fuck her too.

Until next time, Reader.

Global Warming

2010-01-05T21:09:00.001-05:00

It's been snowing for like a week straight. I have to shovel every day, sometimes twice a day. The 10 day forecast shows only snow. The Weather Channel has declared that there is no end in sight for the currently record-breaking cold.

If Al Gore could get cancer of the AIDS of the leukemia of the eyes, that would be awesome.

The Great Facebook Purge

2009-12-25T02:01:00.001-05:00

I removed several (hundred) individuals from my friends list. There were too many, and I got sick of seeing useless updates about what the farmvilled or mafiavilled or whatever from people I have no desire to talk to.

If you believe you were removed accidentally, let me know and I will be happy to re-add you.

Green Day: Rock Band

2009-12-13T21:11:00.001-05:00

Ew.

Announced at the Spike Video Game Awards last night was the next game from Harmonix. So while a bunch of great games like Halo: Reach were being announced, they poo-pooed on my reality and announced this one.

Rock Band: Good

Rock Band 2: Good

The Beatles: Rock Band: Good

Green Day: Rock Band:

Ew.

Lance Henriksen reprises 'Bishop' role in Aliens vs. Predator

2009-12-09T00:55:00.002-05:00

Lance Henriksen, who played the "artificial lifeform Bishop in the film Aliens as well as billionaire Charles Bishop Weyland in the film Alien vs. Predator, will see another continuation of his Aliens film role in Rebellion's Alien vs. Predator game. Henriksen plays Karl Bishop Weyland, the descendant of Weyland-Yutani corporation founder Charles Bishop Weyland. The 69-year-old actor is happy with his virtual likeness (seen above) and is quoted as saying, "I might score from this game!"

Aliens vs. Predator Multiplayer

2009-11-27T20:21:00.001-05:00

Imagine, it's 2001, you're on your computer and you're playing a badass multiplayer session of Alien vs Predator 2. Now, it's 2009, and you might be saying "I wish they'd make a game like that for consoles." Well, it comes out in February. Sega released this trailer today showing off the multiplayer, and it is awesome.

Say goodbye to that bird, nerd

2009-11-26T13:12:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Heap on the squash, Josh
Slice up the Spam, Sam
Pass me that salt, Walt
And then cut me some meat
I need some fried dough, Joe
So get it over here, pronto
And then you better step back, Jack
And watch me eat
Big fat steak, Jake
Chicken pot pie, guy
Slab of cheese, please
And a root beer float
Let go the fork, dork
Get away from that roast pork
Say goodbye to that bird, nerd
It's going down my throat
So grab another plate, Nate
Open up the fridge, Midge
Dish out the spud, Bud
And make room for me
If I'm a little uncouth, Ruth
It's 'cause I got me a sweet tooth
Together again, Ben
Thanksgiving and me

Naked Space Bits

2009-11-26T00:00:00.001-05:00

International Space Station and Atlantis (which just undocked today) can be seen Thanksgiving night with the naked eye. If you'd like to get photos, here's a link to find your time zone and the direction to look from within the US.

http://spaceweather.com/flybys/

(Thanks Shady!)

Black No.9 (Little Miss Scare-All)

2009-11-25T18:55:00.001-05:00

Lock your doors. Board up your windows. Turn off your lights. Destroy your staircase. For Gods sake, don't make any noise. Do not attempt to reach rescue centers as they may no longer be in operation. They are tireless. Barricades will not hold them. They possess a single, unexplainable need for one thing and they will not stop until they get it: unbelievable bargains at a fraction of retail price. Black Friday is again upon us, and shoppers are going to be everywhere.

A lot of people are going to be going out this Black Friday, but don't be one of those who wander around aimlessly from store to store looking for good deals. Do some research. Check out what sales the stores are having beforehand. Here's a resource I use each year. Use it wisely; use it to your advantage. http://www.blackfriday.info

A Cautionary Tale

2009-11-24T23:19:00.002-05:00

Scientology Attacker Gets Prison Time
366 days in jail for DDoS

By Lucian Constantin, Web News Editor
23rd of November 2009, 14:59 GMT

Dmitriy Guzner, 19, of Verona, New Jersey was sentenced to one year in prison for launching distributed denial of service (DDoS) attacks against websites belonging to the Church of Scientology in January 2008. Following his release, the young DDoSer will also spend two years on probation.

According to the prosecutors Guzner's attacks were acts of hacktivism and part of a larger anti-Scientology campaign led by a hacking group called Anonymous. In October 2008, the hacker became the first Anonymous member ever to be charged in connection with the group's actions.

Anonymous is believed to have originated on the notorious /b/ forum board of the 4chan website, the birthplace of many Internet memes, including lolcats. The members of this board are known as Internet trolls with a questionable sense of humor, who sometimes harass celebrities or other groups.

But the attacks against the Church of Scientology were much more than simple Internet pranks and escalated into a full-blown hate campaign. According to the attacked organization, Anonymous' actions consisted of 8,139 threatening phone calls, 3.6 million e-mails, 141 million hits on its website, ten acts of vandalism against its property, 22 bomb threats, and eight death threats against Church leaders.

Dmitriy Guzner pleaded guilty in May 2009 and admitted to intentionally impairing a protected computer belonging to the Church of Scientology. He faced a maximum of ten years in federal prison, but under sentencing guidelines, the final penalty was expected to be between 12 and 18 months.

Last week, the 19-year-old hacker was sentenced to 366 days in prison, followed by two years of probation. He was also ordered to pay $37,500 in reparatory damages, even though the Church of Scientology claimed it cost $119,500 to repair the damages caused by Guzner.

"It's well known that many people are concerned by the Scientology movement [...], but both Scientologists and the Anti-Scientology movement have sometimes done themselves damage by the way they have carried themselves on the internet. As I've said before, though, Even if you feel passionately and earnestly that Scientology is harmful to society, it does not make illegal action (such as an internet attack) against them acceptable," Graham Cluley, commented.

I know this kid from a site I've been admin on for the past three years. He was a former member of the Wilmarth Cafe forums as well, before it moved to the new server. And I'm quite familiar with the activity on 4chan regarding the Church of Scientology. I think the protests are hilarious. The hacking, not so much. Once upon a time, one watched what they said about 4chan, and what one said about Anonymous. But those were the oldfags. Newfags are a whole 'nother animal. Today's user tends to be, well, far from frightening.

With ~~Aendy's~~ Dmitry Guzner's conviction and sentencing, his actions are now a matter of public record. Everything was all fun and games until he went too far. There's a right way to knock Scientology and a wrong way. I'm sure you can figure it all out.

Question

2009-11-23T22:33:00.001-05:00

I am the Great and Powerful Motherf*#%er

2009-11-22T20:55:00.001-05:00

Just got home. Family is still in town (my parents) so I was at my older sister's house, who lives just outside the city. Today's been a day. Earlier, my parents came to my house, which was a stranger event than you'd imagine. It wasn't so much visiting as it was catching the end of the Steelers game as it went into overtime, then demoing the functionality and features of the Xbox 360 since my parents want to buy one. You know, for Netflix and Facebook and last.FM and basically everything but actually playing video games on the system.

At any rate, back to my sister's house, where my niece begs to watch The Wizard of Oz with her. That's cool, I'm down with that; it's been a while since I've seen it. Had no idea if my wife ever saw it, but ever since I introduced her to Babes in Toyland I don't ask anymore. Mostly I just started watching to see if I could find the hanged midget in the background, but then I started running Pink Floyd in my head and got sucked in from there. That's ok, it wasn't all bad. My niece and younger nephew were happy. My blood pressure was a little high by the end of the day, but I got out in time to get back home and bring the puppy out with zero accidents. He's happy, I'm happy, my wife's happy, and thus I am allowed to continue to exist. Until tomorrow, at least.

Worst post ever

2009-11-21T21:37:00.001-05:00

I feel like crap tonight, for the second night in a row. Family is in town, I have a cold or something, and I've been chasing the dog from here to Timbuktu. So instead of a wonderful, entertaining, quality post like you'd normally get, tonight you get me writing about my lack of writing. Which doesn't seem to be quite so lacking after all. Weird.

I'm going to bed.

It has been reported....

2009-11-20T22:48:00.001-05:00

Snoop Puppy Dogg

2009-11-19T23:42:00.001-05:00

Some of you may not have heard yet, but I got a dog a few weeks ago. A puppy, actually. Someone abandoned it outside my house. Just stopped their car and threw it out. It was about six or seven weeks old then, just a tiny little puppy that was shaking and crying. Best I can tell it's mostly German Shepherd, with what's probably a little lab and possibly a little bit husky in it.

Anyway, so the dog is named Dizzy. The reason for the name is two fold. One, when he was really little, he would sit in my lap, then get up and turn around and around and fall over. Very cute. The other is partially after the character from Gears of War 2 that drives the grindlift. The dog is getting big fast. And as he grows, so does his energy. So I gotta get him to burn it off. He used to be afraid of taking walks until lately, but I now I bring him around the south part of the city every day for about an hour. South New Castle is crumbling, with dilapidated and abandoned buildings. A huge edifice lies a block from my house, looking like an old abandoned church, but is actually the remains of the Terrace Avenue School from the 1800s. An abandoned house is next door, and another across the street. What people live in the area are a mix of the elderly who have been here since New Castle wasn't a craphole, or simple white trash.

It's amazing what you see when you go for a walk. As I've pointed out, there are a lot of abandoned buildings. When I'm out walking the dog, I tend to linger and stare at some of them, such as the Terrace Av. School. You can't help but get the impression that you're the protagonist in the beginning of a Lovecraft story. As a matter of fact, for the Lovecraft aficionado, the neighborhood I live in closely mirrors the French Hill district in Arkham. But aside from the buildings, you see the people. Some are just walking down the street. Some are in their yards or on their porch. Some are just... there. But I can honestly say that for every few people I bump into, I see some kid or group of kids (note that I would refer to anyone of any age as kid if their demeanor shows it) thinking they're ghetto fab freestyle rappers, or wannabe gang-bangers. Except they're little white kids who wouldn't know the street if it bit them on the ass.

Video related:

Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles

2009-11-11T18:28:00.001-05:00

More than ten years ago, Bent TV (Bentframe) made a viral hit, the Star Wars Gangsta Rap. Now they have made a sequel. Star Wars Gangsta Rap Chronicles debuted yesterday (November 10th) on Atom.com. This is the real sequel by the original creator and not a spoof.

ALL NEW! Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Atom Originals | Star Wars Gangsta Rap

Happy Birthday USMC

2009-11-10T19:26:00.002-05:00

November 10, 1775. Tun Tavern. Philadelphia, PA. A committee of the Continental Congress meets to draft a resolution calling for two battalions of Marines. The resolution is approved and officially forms the Continental Marines.

The United States Marine Corps celebrates its 234th birthday today. So while you're playing your Modern Warfare 2, remember that they're out there kicking ass so you can sit on yours.

The USMC is not to be confused with the USCM, who are badass bug-hunting mothers. Nor is it to be confused with the UNSC, without whom the Covenant would have glassed us all.

Borderlands DLC available November 24 on PS3, Xbox 360

2009-11-09T19:15:00.002-05:00

Starting November 24, Dr. Ned is graciously opening his Zombie Island to any gun-toting maniac with ten bucks. 2K has announced the price ($9.99/800) and release date for the first Borderlands DLC pack on PS3 and Xbox 360.

2K promises "ferocious brain-eating zombies, carnivorous Were-Skags and more" on the spooky island, but, perhaps more relevant to weapon-obsessed Borderlands players, there's more "sweet, sweet loot" to find.

Modern Warfare 2 Midnight Release Tonight

2009-11-09T16:05:00.002-05:00

Just a friendly reminder to those who may have pre-ordered Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 - select Gamestops will be hosting a Midnight Release tonight in advance of tomorrow's official release date. Break out those pre-order receipts and get up there to nab your copy before everyone else. And by everyone else, we mean suckers who aren't running in there tonight. Check out the full list of Midnight Releases to see if your local GameStop is participating. And I'll see you on Xbox Live after midnight tonight.

http://www.gamestop.com/gs/content/MW2MidnightOpenings.pdf

Where are the coordinates?

2009-11-08T12:59:00.001-05:00

It is safe to assume anyone who works at Google is a nerd.That being said, this Google map brings the strange days of random encounters such as that of the Alert to a slightly lesser margin, and really brings the modern-day investigator and the tools at his disposal to the forefront of awesomeness.

Northeast U.S. GameStops Selling Modern Warfare 2 Early

2009-11-08T12:33:00.001-05:00

GameStops in Northeastern states such as New York, Pennsylvania, and Ohio are selling Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 early, granted special dispensation from Activision due to street-breaking mom-and-pop stores.

Here in Atlanta we still have to wait until Monday's midnight launch to pick up Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, but lucky folks in several Northeastern states are getting their copies earlier. According to a GameStop employee I spoke to in Bowling Green, Ohio, Activision granted certain area stores special permission to sell the game early, in order to stem the tide of lost customers picking their copies up early from local mom and pop stores.

Called my local Game Stop; the chick that answered was a complete bitch. "No we can't sell it before Monday at midnight, that would be illegal." /condescending higher-than-thou attitude

Might be worth a shot for others, though.

First Halo Legend Episode on Halo Waypoint

2009-11-07T12:14:00.001-05:00

Today Halo Waypoint will be airing a full episode of Halo Legends called "The Babysitter." This first Halo Legends preview episode follows the story of a group of ODSTs who reluctantly accept a Spartan sniper into their strike team. As they embark on a perilous mission to assassinate a high-ranking Covenant Prophet, old rivalries must be reexamined if the mission is to succeed. Watch what happens as the mission progresses into hostile territory, and both the Spartan and the ODSTs discover something important about the other.

Celebrate Gears 2's First Anniversary With Triple XP

2009-11-06T19:11:00.001-05:00

Today through Monday, November 16, 9 AM EST, Gears of War 2 gamers get a nine-day multiplayer extravaganza. In addition to triple experience throughout the event, players will be able to play in an all-new tactical mode across all multiplayer game types (including Horde). Players can expect two big changes in tactical mode, increased weapon damage and reduced ammo counts, along with a few subtle tweaks such as increasing down-but-not-out health so revives are still possible. Also during the event, Public Horde’s difficulty will be bumped to hardcore, and playlists can include individual game types—meaning you can play exactly what you want, when you want. Prepare for the challenge, and more than ever, remember to take cover!

Source

Disney Aquires Marvel

2009-08-31T23:56:00.002-04:00

Today Disney announced its acquisition of Marvel for 4 billion dollars. The internet is abuzz with comments and questions, and I'm not above throwing my two cents out there. Will Disney Disney up Marvel? Yes. It won't turn it into Mickey Mouse, but they will change their target demographic to young boys instead of teens and adults. They focus on young girls with Hanna Montana, and they will shift the comic in a way exactly as you pointed out. To make money. I also think the movies will be softened up, sliding at best to a family feel-good adventure movie such as Pirates of the Caribbean. I foresee a lot of oversight with content and an inevitable drop from potential R rated films to a more easily mass-digestible PG-13. I foresee massive proprietary spikes as far as merchandising is concerned, and having the collectibles market over-saturated with even more mass-produced crap than there is now. From a consumer standpoint, Disney gaining Marvel is the watering down of a once-loved world of heroes and villains into the cheesy assimilated family-friendly World of Disney.

2009-08-30T18:04:00.004-04:00

Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such posts as 'You're reading this in my voice' and 'You just lost the game'.

2009-08-30T17:44:00.003-04:00

From a topic I found on a discussion board:

An extraterrestrial civilization offers United Nations one of three advanced technologies:

-Timetravel
-Gravity weaponsystem
-Warpengine

What do you think would the UN choose?
And why would they choose it?

I think they would choose the War Penguin.

Back Again

2009-08-30T17:17:00.006-04:00

It's been a while. Months. But here I am, larger than life and twice as awesome. Let's recount what's gone down since May.

The Wilmarth Cafe is up and running, up on another server with another host and is guaranteed to be around for at least the next two years. Join us at http://www.wilmarthcafe.org/forums if you haven't already.

I'm doing alright health-wise. If you didn't know my problems, consider yourself lucky and just forget I ever said anything. Still having some problems with stress, but what can you do. "General anxiety disorder" has to be the most ambiguous term I've ever heard. So what do I most of the time now? Not much, really. Mostly play Xbox. You got a problem with that? Ok, fair enough. I honestly have been doing better - have more energy, do stuff sometimes, go out once in a while.

Speaking of which, if any of you readers want to rock Rainbow Six Vegas 2 (or the first one, for that matter) send me a message on Xbox Live. RSV2 is a great game that seriously needs more attention from me. Until ODST comes out, that and Gears 2 are my games number one games to play with friends.

So what else is new? My wife and I want to move. Anywhere. Just not here. However, the problem is that we don't have the money. She wants to move to Alabama. I want to move anywhere that isn't where I am now. Literally. I'll live on the side of a volcano, just get me out of here. All we can do is try to reduce our spending, pay off our bills, and save our cash. Once we're on top of that, we should be able to move by at least 2042.

D'oh. :(

Domain Name Suggestions; Follow-up on The Official 2009 Wilmarth Cafe Pledge Drive

2009-05-09T13:58:00.002-04:00

Thank you to everyone who pledged to bring back the Wilmarth Cafe website! We never actually reached our goal for the hosting plan we were hoping for, but I think we can sign on with another plan for the time being using the amount pledged.

We can't secure the original domain name, though - wilmarthcafe.com. On this note, I'll ask what you members think the new domain name should be. Discuss at http://z12.invisionfree.com/Wilmarth_Cafe/index.php?showtopic=1155

There are some examples, but feel free to add your own suggestions. Once I decide which name to use, I'll call in the pledges and sign up for hosting, and the site will be back!

- The Wilmarth Cafe

http://z12.invisionfree.com/Wilmarth_Cafe/index.php?

Dia de Los Baños

2009-04-20T13:46:00.010-04:00

They say you can't squeeze blood from a stone, but you can squeeze it from a butt. Ok, admittedly that was a pretty disgusting way to begin a blog entry, but it's relevant. Sort of. Today I'm doing the prep work for a kaleidoscope. Wait, that doesn't seem right, let me check my paperwork. Today I'm doing the prep work for a colonoscopy. What sort of prep work is this? The directions are simple:

Drink 1 bottle of Magnesium Citrate. Wait a half hour. Drink another bottle. Wait another half hour, then use a fleets enema in rectum. Wait 4 hours and repeat this entire procedure.

Four bottles of Devil Juice plus two Butt Douches equals one very unhappy Big Chief. While I've only just started the whole thing, I've begun setting up a base of operations in my bathroom, complete with telephone, books and magazines. It's going to be a long day.

Segway to the next part of the discussion.

I went to the doctor's a while ago for non-butt-related issues and found I had a severe Vitamin D deficiency and depression, so I was given prescription strength Vitamin D and an antidepressant. Sad thing is that it worked. While I wasn't sad or emo, I often felt out of it and unable to concentrate or motivate myself to do certain things. Now I feel like I'm coming out of a fog. It's awesome. Sunshiny days help a lot too. Funny that you don't get too many of them in NE PA. Ok, it's not really very funny at all. Shut up.

So hey, remember how I like games? I still play them. I just don't discuss them much anymore. I've gotten most of the games I wanted this year, but now I got a gift card for GameStop. This is good because I have yet to buy a copy of Ace Combat 6. I always meant to, but never got around to it. I rented it via GameFly, declared it to be awesome, and now must buy it. Another game to add to the never buy category, however, is Warhammer: Battle March. Boring, sloppy, and difficult to remember how to control anything, the game is one huge irritating snoozefest. I keep trying to get through it in the hopes that it's really not bad and I just suck, but as I remember all the controls, it still doesn't get any better. No thanks.

Thanks for listening, chilllllllllldren, this is Three Dog, owwwwwwww! Sorry, no it's not. Sorry. Really, sorry.

Happy Easter?

2009-04-11T23:21:00.002-04:00

Cthulhu (2007)

2009-04-01T21:20:00.010-04:00

I recently finished watching Cthulhu. I only wanted to cover this because more than a few friends have asked me if I've seen it yet, and recently, a friend on Facebook asked about it after I mentioned picking it up as a rental. Here goes.

Now, I did go into this movie knowing full well it was a gay film. But it's also a self-described Lovecraft-inspired film. If you can sit through the first hour, you'll find yourself thinking "Hey, this isn't so bad. Maybe I won't be so harsh while describing it." Then they remind you over and over why you should reconsider. Other than getting the feeling you're watching an awful Lifetime or LOGO movie, the film hurt my sensibilities - over and over. While at parts it seems they really did want to loosely adapt a Lovecraft story, they pause time and again to demonize heterosexuals - in an overt attempt at being grossly stereotypical. I have to presume it was on purpose, lest I think they're so out of touch with heterosexuals they truly believe them to be the way they portrayed, and I would guess they also think all black people like KFC and watermelon.

They also make sure to elevate homosexual males to crucifixion status - of course, at the hands of the aforementioned stereotypical homophobic heterosexual conspiratorial males. They even had an angry mob, complete with torches! Now, I keep saying males to make sure that we understand character development in the film. But they don't target heterosexual males, because that would be wrong. They made sure to include heterosexual women and Christians too. Phew. I thought I was going to be offended. Wait a minute...

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to sit here and gay bash. But now I'm going to go into the... ickier... parts of the film. "Should I rent this?" you might be asking yourself. Absolutely, if you want to see two gay guys jerking off under a dock. And yes, there is a steamy gay sex scene later on in the movie. That's all I really want to say any more regarding that topic. Thank you and good night, please tip your waitresses.

"Hey! Chief! What about the Lovecraft fans? Have you forgotten us? Aren't you going to make comparisons to Lovecraft's work, namely The Shadow Over Innsmouth? Aren't you going to tell us about any inaccuracies or bastardizations?" Why yes, Virginia, I think I am. First and foremost, Cthulhu himself is only mentioned by name once in the entire text of The Shadow Over Innsmouth (not counting the In His House... reference). This is at the end where the protagonist offers the revelation that the Deep Ones could never truly be destroyed, and paying a tribute to said Great Old One. Any Lovecraft fan who knows Azathoth from an apple probably knows the story related to Dagon. "Who's Dagon?" Dagon was a Phillistine fish god. Now stop interrupting. Dagon was better referenced in Stuart Gordon's Dagon (duh), but that's a topic in itself.

It should be noted also that there aren't really any monsters in this movie (except those awful awful straight people.) Some baby Deep One hybrid things are pretty close. They also show what is supposed to be a few dozen Deep Ones coming out of the sea, but since it was apparently shot from the air, and they apparently didn't want to put much thought into what their Deep Ones would look like - you know, because they're all tiny and semi-out-of-focusey - they're just lanky weirdos walking with their legs apart up a long ass beach. Although, the movie does have Tori Spelling in it, and I challenge the reader to find a more horrifying visage to throw on my screen when I'm not expecting it. The story also takes place on the west coast, in 'Rivermouth,'Oregon, rather than New England; Innsmouth, MA. On the bright side, it was pretty cool to see a ship in the background of one scene bearing the name Alert.

Now, because I'm tired, I'm going to end this post rather quickly. In fact, it seems that the whole post itself has been a series of disjointed impressions rather than a proper review. I can live with that if you can. While I kept trying to give it chances, the movie offended me. It offended my senses because it was a bad movie, and it offended me because I like boobies. As the credits rolled, my wife said the movie could be described using two words. She liked the ones I used a lot better. Gaydiculously Grossorrible. The entire thing reminds of the words H. P. Lovecraft himself wrote in a letter to J. Vernon Shea dated 14 August 1933:

So far as the case of homosexuality goes, the primary and vital objection against it is that it is naturally (physically and involuntarily—not merely ‘morally’ or aesthetically) repugnant to the overwhelming bulk of mankind...

Apologies if anyone is genuinely offended by this post. But you know what? I listen to your opinions, even if I think they're kind of icky. You can deal with mine.

See you on the other side!

2009-03-25T01:15:00.004-04:00

I'm almost to the point where I, with sheer incredulity, can't watch Obama speak anymore. Yesterday, as Sen. McCain made note of, the President says GOP'ers have decided to just "be against whatever the other side is for." So much for bipartisanship! Well John, I'm sorry to tell you that the bipartisanship we were promised has sunk. So, he's dropped the illusion of bipartisanship. Now he takes on two different tactics when speaking publicly: Tell you everything you want to hear, no more, no less. When that doesn't work, what's left? Blatantly lie. Tell people what they want to hear, and maybe they'll stop asking questions.

I'm disappointed with Bethesda. I wanted to play the Fallout 3 DLC "The Pitt" today, but it's massively buggy and they shut it down. Bethesda Q&A got hit hard by fans. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost. So, in order to avoid a world where you fall through the planet, can wander off the map into Stephen King-like misty nothingness (I swear there are Langoliers out there), and there are yellow exclamation marks everywhere, they took it off Marketplace and are working on fixing it. Good, because some of the other problems involve the fact that you can't actually get into Pittsburgh, which means you can't play or beat the DLC you just paid ten bucks for. I was hoping they'd make some quick fixes and would be back out tonight, but nope, didn't happen. Maybe I'll see it tomorrow, if I'm lucky. I'm tired now. Bedtime. Good night, moon.

OMG Teh Pitts?! No wai!!

2009-03-24T02:18:00.004-04:00

Here I am, still awake at twenty five after two in the morning. Am I staying up to wait for the release of The Pitt at 3 am? Ye--- nope. I know, you're shocked. I just happen to still be awake for no particular reason. Granted, tomorrow I'll be knee deep in Pittsburghian radiation, but tonight, we dine in Hell. I mean, I will go to sleep. In fact, I just took an Ambien CR, loaded up UNO on the ole 360, and plan on getting frustrated at morons. I mean, playing a few good ranked games.

Which reminds me, have you heard about the imminent release of the new UNO game on XBLA? It's UNO Rush. And it is retarded. I thought it was going to at least have the novelty of playing Tom Sawyer in the background, but nooooo. It's just crackhead spedmonkey UNO where everyone suddenly vomits their cards in a frantic dash to win achievements. So I doubt very much I'll be playing it. And now, I will end this post on a lighter note. Note to self: purchase lighter.

It's Healthy!

2009-03-23T01:35:00.004-04:00

So, I come to find out that bitching and complaining [in your blog] about whatever bothers you is healthy way to vent anger and frustration. This information was presented by the US Department of Duh. But, who wants to sound like a pissed off jerk all the time? Not me! I only want to sound like a pissed off jerk some of the time.

I noticed via my 360voice blog that someone gave me negative rep the other day. Considering the only multiplayer interaction I usually have anymore is ranked UNO games, I knew someone had to be acting like a butthurt little baby because I beat them and they were mad so they negged me. Ok, but what did they rep me for? I looked it up.

Language.

I've only been negged twice ever - once was because my ISP was run by retarded space monkeys and I couldn't stay connected, so I was reported as "Quit Early" (which is fair, I will give them that.) But this dumb douchenozzle negged me for Language. "But Chief" you go on, "What did you say? Did you call them names? Did you tell them where exactly they could stick those cards?" Nope. I didn't say anything. Actually, the best I can figure is that someone got pissed off because I wasn't talking. I never - no, scratch that - very rarely use a mic when playing UNO. It's my end of the night, relax and feel good game. And some dickless idiot goes and spoils it by neg-repping me like a pampered little girl.

Oh, good news Xbox 360 buddies - I just won an Ebay auction for a copy of Gears of War 2. So now I'll probably being playing that on Horde mode a lot again. Last time I played Horde mode with some buddies from Gamers Republic it was awesome - in fact, it was probably one of the most fun multiplayer experiences I've had since my first multiplayer game of Left 4 Dead with George, or the late nights I spent after work playing Terrorist Hunt on Rainbow Six Vegas back in '07. Yikes, 2007. 2007....

That makes me think of something else. Well, that's it. Everything makes me think of something else. A lot. Recently, I keep reflecting on the past, a lot more than I used to. Mostly bad stuff, to be honest; stuff I wish I could go back to eight or nine years ago and bust out with some mature shit, but also some good things. Like 2007. Man, I WORKED. A LOT. Work all day busting my ass at a factory, then I would come home and work out on the super mega awesome Chuck Norris Ass-Kicking Device known as the Total Gym (Seriously, kids, I swear by it, it will change your life.) then a few hours later after showering I would turn on the Xbox and play games. It was awesome. Like a drug. I completely neglected the internet. All my online friends didn't know what was going on, what had happened to me. But I eventually leveled out, was able to swing many things at once, balance it all, multitask even. And then.... I got with my girlfriend who became my fiancee who became my wife and now I sometimes forget what a multiplayer online game is. Whee! Looking back is fun. Don't read this paragraph too many times though, please. The Hounds will follow........

Generic Blog Entry 33.0

2009-03-21T22:16:00.005-04:00

What up y'all, welcome to the show. I'm Big Chief, like you don't already know. And this is my sidekick, Fat Pat, he goes "eh eh eh eh" and all of that. Ok, not really. That's some modified lyrics from an ICP song. That I now must post. Thanks blog-readers, look what you did. Also, warning, explicit lyrics.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, it's time to ramble. Lord, I was born a Ramblin' Man... no, no, no, I must not post more YouTube videos. That's enough. Seriously. If you readers wanted to watch tv, you wouldn't be online. Unless you have WebTV. Then you're probably watching tv. And you've also probably time traveled here from like, 1997. WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF TOMORROW!!!!!

I was talking recently with someone about the President. Of the United States. Yes, seriously. Yes, people actually still talk to me about him. Yes, they know I don't like him. Can we move on? Thank you. So I was asked recently about the President. The person I was talking to mentioned something to the effect that he was Hitler. Yes. Hitler. Naturally, I had to point out the obvious. I actually added it to the Personal Quotes on the right column, but I'll repost it for the purpose of continuity:

They're saying Obama is Hitler? I thought they said Bush was. I'll bet the next president will be Hitler too.

I'm cynical a lot of the time, but I even have hope. Hope floats. That was in a movie. Although, I don't find that too encouraging, because shit also floats. And we're in deep. But regardless, I have no qualms about anyone if they do the right thing. But my qualms are multiplying right now, and I'm going to need qualm storage soon. I also need to stop watching the news, because it's getting so bad I think my qualms are beginning to reproduce asexually.

So, enough about politics. Anyone see Battlestar Galactica? Everyone who's anyone has been talking about it. I didn't see it. I don't really like it. I saw the first few episodes and couldn't dedicate myself to it. But then again, I did that with the new Doctor Who series, and I actually caught back up a good way streaming via Netflix. Anyway, they smoked space blunts, some people were dying, and now it's over. Hurrah. Nerds are probably pissed at me. Well, that makes everyone, I'm outtie.

Hi shee shy shee shy

2009-03-18T01:56:00.004-04:00

Not much of a post tonight. It's late, and I'm tired. I had some Guinness with my meat and potatoes, shot a bunch of guys in Far Cry 2, dwelled way longer than I meant to on whether shooting black guys in video games is inherently racist, until I remembered the entire game takes place in Africa, and they mix it up by throwing some European exploiters in there. Wait a minute.

Anyway, here's what you get. Enjoy it.

Oh hai wuts goin on in here?

2009-03-16T20:40:00.005-04:00

Ask yourself, how long, exactly, is a while? Is it a day? A week? Or is it precisely twenty-two days? It is, in my opinion, a bit more than a moment. Ba-zing.

Ok, so yes, I am alive. No, I didn't forget to post here. I felt like crap after surgery. Then I felt good. Then I felt bad again. Then I felt hungry. Then I felt sleepy. Then I felt good. Then I couldn't stay still, got an infection, and everything crapped up again. Oh well. I guess it goes to show you, if you get your face cut up by a doctor, you probably shouldn't try to take on the world for at least another week.

So, what's up, loyal readers? Expecting to hear something awesome in this blog entry? Well, you're not to be disappointed. Remember The Wilmarth Cafe? No? You're a jerk. Oh, you were kidding. Well, you're still a jerk. I'll explain what's going on with things in the following block quote:

Return of the Wilmarth Cafe

First of all, some of you probably find it odd to hear anything about the OLD forums server. There is an explanation, hold on a minute. In 2006 the Wilmarth Cafe was moved to the new server and changed over to phpBB software. After a while, those forums were upgraded to vBulletin and we all enjoyed the new site and the new software.

In May of 2008, WilmarthCafe. com went down due to lack of funding. Since then, we've received an overwhelming amount of emails, instant messages, phone calls, and even threads on the forums of other websites asking about it and hoping the site would come back. Well, in the interim, the old forums have been reactivated in an effort to bring together the Wilmarth Cafe refugees who have gotten lost into the financial shuffle. We now invite you back and hope you haven't forgotten us!

http://s12.invisionfree.com/Wilmarth_Cafe/index.php

Be sure to contact Big Chief Knockemboots (formerly Prof MG Miller) via AIM (Prof MG Miller) or MSN (profmgmiller@hotmail.com) if you have any lingering problems with permissions or functionality. If you can access the list of forum leaders (the moderating team) feel free to also contact any of the staff.

Also, please check out The Official 2009 Wilmarth Cafe Pledge Drive - http://z12.invisionfree.com/Wilmarth_Cafe/index.php?showtopic=1138

Thanks, and welcome back!

Now that you're suitably excited, go to the link and pledge your support so we can bring back our community's home. I mean, we can only hang on my every word here for so long before we crave other forms of BCK insight, right?

Readers Wept

2009-02-22T21:35:00.003-05:00

Shortest post ever - I'm having surgery tomorrow. I'm going to bring my laptop into what I am going to call my "Recovery Fort." I may or may not post for a while. If you're going to start going through BCK withdrawal, here's some food for thought. Why the hell would there be copy of the Necronomicon in a locked room in a basement in a house in Reamstown PA? In 1928. And suddenly, zombies. I'll address this topic more in a future entry.

Also, no bills allowed inside the Recovery Fort. I hate paying them, and I won't while I'm down and out. Plus bills screw with my head when I'm taking pain medicine. Bills and pills don't mix. NO BILLS.

Cartoon Planet X?

2009-02-21T21:56:00.006-05:00

I really need to stop watching national news. More specifically, I need to stop watching our new Overbamalord make his speeches. Honestly, am I the only one who listens to the words he says? I mean, I try my best to wrap my brain around the stuff that falls out of his head and lands on microphones, but it's getting harder and harder. It's like after his Hope and Change Campaign-A-Thon, he completely checked out upstairs. His words make no sense. It's like... oh gawd, screw it. From now on, he is Brak Obama.

Fat kids cover their feelings of inadequacy with humor. My brain apparently does the same thing when it gets overloaded with Stupid Waves coming from my tv news. But it's usually appropriate. Sure, we've seen Broccoli Obama, and even Zodbama (ooh, that would be a good photoshop.) But seriously. Think about this guy.

Seems appropriate, doesn't it? Eh? EH?

Fine. What about now?

That's what I thought.

Eyeball 3000. Minus 2999.9 Repeating.

2009-02-17T23:59:00.001-05:00

It's amazing what science can do these days. Of course, I'm being facetious. I'm a little bitter, because my eyes hurt. I had to get an eye exam today, and they put those drops in that dilate your pupils to the point where they start sucking in stellar matter. They also did away with the process where they air brush your eyeballs, instead opting to add drops that completely numb your eyes and then stick the giant laser from Mars Attacks! into it. Actually, thinking about it, it's a lot like the scene from Fire in the Sky where they stick the needle in the guy's eye. And the Dr. shines lights in your eyes that are high-wattage. I mean high. I mean, apparently my eye doctor has found a way to harness the energy from the sun and shine it directly into my ocular cavities.

I came home, and couldn't see. Everything was dark and bright at the same time, and very blurry. I couldn't go online, I couldn't really watch tv. I couldn't focus on anything, so I couldn't read. And I picked up a copy of the new expansion for Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and the Damned. And I couldn't read the code, so I had to wait for my wife to come home and enter the thing onto Xbox Live for me. Sheesh.

Speaking of The Lost and the Damned, it's awesome. Being a biker in a biker gang riding around a pseudo-NYC? Sign me up. Also, sign me up for brownies. And direct me to the line where they hand out free money.

Which brings me to the question on everyone's mind. Why make an entry on a blog, even as awesome as this one, when I could be playing the aforementioned GTA IV DLC? Well, stupid, I said my eyeballs hurt. "But Big Chief," you may be saying to yourself, "That doesn't make sense. Your computer has light from the monitor, so what does it matter?" Well, Mr. Smartass, how are you just going to argue with me in every post like that. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you go read some Spiderman comics and leave me alone.

Ok, you can stay. But I'm going to go play Xbox.

Shut up.

Kenny Glenn, Complete Douchebag

2009-02-15T23:52:00.004-05:00

And today's topic, flying around the internet at the speed of things which fly through a series of tubes at a high velocity, is Kenny Glenn. "But Big Chief," you say, "Who or what, or possibly when, is a Kenny Glenn." Well, Kenny Glenn is a stupid teenager from Lawton, OK. From, like, now.

Kenny Glenn posted two videos on YouTube, today (February 15th, 2009) in which he abuses a cat named Dusty. Calling himself "Timmy" and "The Animal Abuser," the videos were posted on the YouTube account of "glennspam1". Anonymous, the Legion of unnamed users from 4chan, were on it like a fat chick on a ham, and soon KSWO News was flooded by calls and emails to air the story.

Comanche County teen films himself abusing cat, airs on YouTube
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 08:43 PM

Lawton_In a disgusting case of animal abuse, a cat being abused was filmed by the culprits and posted on YouTube. A teenaged boy slammed a cat against a wall and repeatedly struck it. It was a hot topic on the internet all day Sunday and bloggers think it happened in Lawton.
Among the thousands of posts on the internet, commenters pointed to Lawton as the source after it was posted this weekend. The user name and information, along with other information on the internet pointed to a teen here in Texoma. Posts from all over to country asked people to call 7News, and plenty did. Due to it's graphic nature, much of the video was edited for this story.
The teenager - who calls himself "Timmy" entered a bathroom that he called his laboratory. Inside the shower was a cat which the boy picked up by its neck and slammed against the wall and floor before beating it with his fists. The attack continued for more than a minute.
YouTube removed the video Sunday afternoon and disabled the user's account - but not before it was seen about 30,000 times. Local authorities confirm that they are investigating the video, and Lawton Police say the Comanche County Sheriff's Department is investigating. Sheriff Kenny Stradley has been shown the video.

Due to the graphic nature of the videos, I will not provide an uncensored link here and will only provide one upon request. And since I don't live at my computer, don't expect an immediate response unless you give me an email address.

This kid is a psychopath. I have to praise Anonymous on getting all OCD on him and finding every shred of info and making it public - not just because I don't want to get my computer blown up by Anon ninja hackers, but because any kid who can act like Kenny Glenn did with no feeling deserves to get their ass handed to them. Be it bar fight style, or public humiliation style. I have to point out the near-irony that he chose to call himself Timmy in the video, most likely because of the abrupt "Timmy!" he tried to say (like the South Park character. But, like Timmy, this kid is completley retarded. Unlike Timmy, this kid is an unloved dumb douchenozzle that is going to grow up to wear a gimp mask and hang around a dominatrix named Bill.

I don't know if he'll actually get charged with anything, but the little douchebag should get shot in the testicles. So should his friend that filmed it. But, since I'm a big believer in vigilante justice, I will provide more information on the abuser than you'd think possible:

Name: Kenny Glenn
Location: Lawton OK
School: http://www.lhswolverines.org/
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/kenny_glenn
Google map of his house: Click Here
Mother's Name: Sandi Glenn
2209 NW 25th St
Lawton, OK 73505-1916
(580) 585-6425

This kid touched a nerve. And nobody touches my nerves except neurosurgeons, Mi-Go, and my Little Bug. I'm going to go pet my kitty. Right now. And rub him. And tell him what a good kitty he is, even if he occasionally claws up my chair and pees on my carpet. He's still a good kitty, dammit!

Valentine's Day 2009

2009-02-14T23:47:00.008-05:00

Hi everybody! Hi Dr. Nick! So with the current time, we wrap up Valentine's Day 2009. For everyone expecting a Prof-y post regarding the history of Valentine's Day, Rome said no one could get married, but a guy married people anyway, and he goes to jail. It's rumored he fell in love with the jailer's daughter and would send her notes signed *shocker* "Your Valentine."

But who cares about that?

So what sort of Valentine's Day cards or pictures did you kids get? Let me share some with you.

Until next year, you romantic blog readers you.

Le Petite Cible des Monstres Qui Enfants Romans

2009-02-13T15:00:00.009-05:00

Ok, so all the media outlets have been discussing the disappearance of 5-year-old Haleigh Cummings from her north Florida home. They also keep bringing up the fact that 44 registered sex offenders live within 5 miles of her home. That isn't funny. But what is funny is the implication (albeit somewhat grossly hyperbolic) that an army of pedomonsters swarmed on the house like a zombie outbreak and carried her off.

If you think about the scenario, you know what happened. I know what happened. The whole damned world knows what happened. Giant ass-weasels. Ok, not really. Cute little girl + army of pedomonsters = little girl missing. Established. Some creepy weirdo nabbed her, molestered her, and then we have two possibilities for her current fate. Both involve the pedomonster panicking because there's a lot of media on this. He/she/it/they/you/that guy has her locked up or otherwise confined or tied up. Or he killed her. To death.

Which brings up another topic. Can CSI, Law and Order, NCIS, Numbers, and whatever the hell other show please stop providing blueprints for social deviants to commit murders, rapes, kidnappings, thefts, counterfeiting, bad acting and other crimes against humanity? If you watch these shows enough, it gives plenty of ideas of how to try and get away with it. "It" being the operative word for all the aforementioned examples. "Oh look, Bob got caught because of semen in the drain. When I go after this chick, I'm going to not ejaculate into the freaking drain." Most of the morons who commit crimes are too stupid to think of this stuff, please don't try to make them smarten up for your thin plotlines.
So anyway, little girl missing, army of pedomonsters on the march. That's gotta be worse than an army of the dead and those uruk-hai from Lord of the Rings combined. Ew, pedo-orks. Nasty. But yeah, the army of pedomonsters descends on the little girl's north Florida trailer home (there's a shocker) and here we are. Does anyone else get horrible flashbacks to the South Park episode where all the pedos come into the studio, see Chris Hansen, and shoot themselves? No? Well, watch it here, refresh your memory - http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/107318

There we go. How do we save the little girl? Send the crew from To Catch a Predator to Florida. And if they don't do it, I'll try to distract you with Wookiees on a trapese. Who's going to see that coming?

Incredibly Awesome, You Say?

2009-02-12T19:55:00.003-05:00

Coming soon: BCK's ROCKTASTIC EVENT OF DEATH DOOM GLOOM DESTRUCTION BUNNIES AND VERY SMALL ROCKS 2009. Check in periodically for more information. Or don't. But then where will you be? At home. Bored. Thinking about the BCK Event that might have been. And how will you explain that to the grandchildren? "Grandpappy? Grammy-mama? Where were you when BCK's ROCKTASTIC EVENT OF DEATH DOOM GLOOM DESTRUCTION BUNNIES AND VERY SMALL ROCKS 2009 went down? Were you excited? Did you plotz?" And then you'll have to say "Well, little Jimmy, Billy, Suzie, Mortimer, and Little Superfly Junior, I didn't check in periodically and missed out on what could have quite possibly been the most awesome thing in the history of creation, according to certain sources that have yet to be verified." Or something equally as or more dramatic and remorseful. Don't be that guy. Think of the children. Think of Little Superfly Junior.

Concept? M$-Selling? KA-CHING!!

2009-02-12T13:04:00.006-05:00

Mark Jacobs, the head of Mythic Entertainment, hates gold sellers. We know this. Most people hate goldsellers. They're seen as opportunistic, manipulative, greedy little Ferengi bastards. Where does anyone get off on selling a virtual currency system via conversion to real-life monies?
Alright, I admit that Ballmer wasn't necessarily the one who put M$ points into practice, but Bill Gates has gotten blamed and parodied to death. Plus, who's going to mock a motherf%#@r who can unleash swarms of mosquitos? He's like a supervillain. The Mosquito. Awesome.

At any rate, it begs the question: Is the conversion of US Dollars (British pounds, Euro... uh... Euros, etc.) to Microsoft Points a valid credit system whereby one utilizes said credits as forms of payment for media in a financially validated environment and a legitimate system? Or is it similar to gold-selling techniques whereby Microsoft uses a similar tactic of using a virtual monetary system to their advantage and for financial gain? For instance, in a virtual economy (WoW, WAR, LOTRO, et al) one uses gold to purchase weapons, armor, etc. One can purchase gold from gold-sellers for a predetermined dollar fee, which can then be used in the game. Microsoft allows players to purchase Microsoft points, which are used to purchase media on Xbox Live, such as videos, arcade titles, downloadable content, etc.

The only discernable difference is, quite clearly, that M$ points cannot be acquired by any other means than purchasing them (essentially converting US Dollars or other monies to credits created and distributed exclusively by Microsoft for the Xbox Live service.) One cannot "level" their Xbox Live account to get points. Unless it's Gamerscore points. Which is an entirely different topic, so we're not going there.

This post has been food for your philosophical thought. Chew it over. You can taste both sides. Mmm. Tasty sides. Agggghhhhh.....

Washington, DC 127.0.0.1

2009-02-12T11:42:00.008-05:00

At some point, everyone immerses themselves in something entirely more than they should. Some people play Everquest, and leave their kids in the car. Some people play World of Warcraft, and leave their kids in the car. Some people are 60 years old and go to bingo each and every single Tuesday night, and have since 1968. And leave their kids in the car.

The point is, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing (the "could be" is for the philosophical antagonists before they even start.) In some way, whether it be making Freudian slips about the crazy helicopter pilot Mr. T hated named Murloc, or alienating yourself into a little clique (or clan or guild or team or flock or whatever) of like-minded individuals who share that particular passion, or leaving your kids in the car, there's almost always something bad that comes from too much of whatever it is you like.
This is a view of the Capitol Building and The Mall in Washington D.C. Unfortunately, I haven't seen it this way in my mind in quite some time. I typically see it like this
It's not even necessarily that I've played Fallout 3 too much. It's that... ok, I've played Fallout 3 too much. I ran around the Capitol Wasteland shooting Super Mutants and ferile ghouls and whatever else I encounter. But I spent enough time in the DC ruins that while watching the Inauguration I had the irresistable urge to stand on the steps of the Capitol and look out over the Mall in Fallout 3. When they moved into the Rotunda, I wanted to also. And now, with Lincoln's birthday, I want to go back to the Rotunda, make a mock speech (mine wouldn't be quite as full of historical inaccuracies regarding the Reconstruction period as some people's) and then head over to the Lincoln Memorial to check on the escaped slaves and see if they managed to reattach Abe's head yet.

I know there are not only some, but a lot of people (coughkidscough) that have explored a lot more of the game than I have, but that's because I play entirely too many games to commit to just one. I have a life filled with a series of tubes, my wife, other games, not leaving kids in the car... you know, actually, my life seems pretty boring. Now I'm depressed. Time to cheer myself up by going bowling!!!

...In Liberty City.

Six Feet Under, Completely Buried

2009-02-11T19:30:00.006-05:00

From http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Six_Feet_Under_Maximum_Video/70024366?trkid=384529 -

Cult death metal band Six Feet Under know how to do it right; loud, discordant, and frightening, the aggressive quartet growl and thrash their way through their popular tunes. Maximum Video captures the Metal Blade Records outfit live on tour, from June of 1999 through August of 2000. Along with thundering performances of 18 songs, behind-the-scenes footage is backstage antics are included.

No member reviews have been written. I found this filed under Television category. I understand this mistake, but my mind was still completely blown from

Genres:
Television
TV Dramedy
TV Dramas
Gay & Lesbian Dramas
Must-See TV Dramas
HBO

Ow. My brain. Come on, Netflix. Don't just presume that since it has the same name as that one show about the fruit nuts it must be the same thing. Someone half-assed their job.

Rerun Hustle

2008-11-20T22:45:00.002-05:00

Every day Fred "Rerun" Berry is hustlin

Thanksgiving

2008-11-18T21:11:00.004-05:00

This year, I'm thankful to get out of my craphole of an apartment. My fiancee and I are moving to PA. What's worse, is that we're moving to PA. It's not the greatest state. It just happens to be infinitely better than South Carolina. You know, the "Sporadic Towns Situated in the Midst of Swamps and Nothing" state. There is nothing here. My apartment has something wrong with it I cannot readily identify, that is making us sick (literally - and figuratively.) So we're leaving the day before Thanksgiving for a 12 hour drive with our stuff. Even now, I write this entry from a laptop in the middle of an ocean of boxes and other packing-related crap. Awaiting the NXE. That's right, I can't wait until that stupid update finally comes tonight, or should I say tomorrow, since it's at 00:00 PST.

Anyway, I doubt I'll post another entry before Thanksgiving (don't quote me on that though) so here's your Thanksgiving entry. And in true BCK style, an related image that barely makes sense.

Laptop Found In A Deserted Office

2008-10-24T21:13:00.003-04:00

Obligatory NSFW Disclaimer: This entry has a lot of swearing in it. If you think it's unnecessary swearing, you didn't read it. If you did, you wouldn't say that. But here is the NSFW disclaimer for you sensitive types nonetheless
----
.

I'm sitting in the dark. The power is out. Not just here. Everywhere in town. I write this to let whoever finds it know about what happened.

Best I can guess, it started near the hospital. I would have thought it was sick people, but it wasn't the way you think. A guy came in, he got bit by his roommate after a fight or something. His arm wasn't really bleeding, though. But after a while he started going into convulsions, and then he stopped moving. A nurse tried to go find a doctor, I guess to call him on his time of death. But the nurse must have been mistaken, because the dude got up and shuffled up to this other dude and bit his ass. Not his ass. I mean, he bit him. In the neck / shoulder area. That guy starts to scream, the nurse runs back to try to control the guy, and he bites her too. A security guard finally got his fat ass up there and tried to restrain the guy, and a doctor checked on the other guy and the nurse, but the guy died. So the doctor starts to antiseptic the nurse and gauze her or something, and all of a sudden she's dead too, but the guy who just fucking died is up and coming after the doctor. He freaks the fuck out, and starts speaking Roman Catholic gibberish. Everyone was panicking.

Except for me.

I grabbed a fire axe and cold-cocked that motherfucker with the back of the handle. And he kept coming. So I figured we're in a hospital, they can fix him if I seriously injure him, right? So I swung the axe, and slammed it into his leg. It got severed. My bad. They grow back, right? But this guy still keeps coming, trying to get up and falling back down, crawling after me, all that. So I was like fuck all this noise, and embedded the axe right into his fucking crazy people eating head. He stopped trying to get me at this point. Some idiot woman asks if I think he'll be alright, I told her sure, he was just sleeping. Stupid. Then this other woman starts screaming, and I'm all like screaming back and telling her to shut up, and that's when I realized why she was screaming. Or rather, I realized what wasn't right. What was out of place.

Where was the fat security guard? Where was the guy he was trying to take down like a donut store clerk trying to keep him away from the leftover glazed?

I got an answer. It figured I would. They both come shuffling out of this room, both covered in blood. The first guy's eyes had cataracts or something, but then I started thinking about shit. I had heard him say that he had seen things when he first came in. So he wasn't blind. So it wasn't cataracts. This was that clouding over bullshit that happens to your eyes within the first few minutes after death.

Oh hell no.

That dumb chick asks them if they're ok. I told her to shut the fuck up and get behind me, and take her arm and try to move her. She starts screaming about harrassment, and that I touched her bottom, and that she needs a lawyer and a doctor to check her for rape drugs I injected her with. What the hell? She's raving, and the security guard gets up to her, and he grabs her and starts eating her. Not biting, this motherfucker was full out eating her. I look at the other guy, and he's coming at me. So is that nurse. And some other guy from the other room. At this point, I was out of there. I ran my ass to the office, got another gun besides the two I already had on me, and started stacking desks, chairs, luggage, potted ferns, paper plates, and whatever else I could find in front of the door. A crappy barricade is still a barricade, right? I check the phones. No service. Fucking telephone company, I hope they die in a horrible monster attack. Oh shit, that wasn't right, considering the circumstances. Anyway, I try my cell phone, and I can only call local numbers for some reason. How the hell does that work. It's a cell phone! Anyway, I call 911. No answer. How in the hell does 911 not answer? I tried it again, just in case I dialed the wrong number. Somehow. Still no answer. So I do the next best thing I can think of, and start checking the phone book for Robocop. Turns out he's not in there, which sucks in about ten different ways.

Then I hear cars crashing outside, and I see a dead guy behind the wheel. Too bad it wasn't a dead hot chick, or I'd have come and checked if they were ok. Well I guess they wouldn't be ok if they were dead. Anyway, this car is all crashed up, and this guy is dead and not moving, and the telephone pole he hit was like "What?" and not caring, and I was at the window with a beer wondering what would happen next. And all of a sudden, the worst thing that could possibly happen in the middle of a situation like this happened. I was out of beer.

I threw everything out of my way, went out the door, got in my car and made for the beer store. Yes, there is a beer store in this town. You want to make something of it? I get to the beer store, and it's closed. On a Friday. At 6:30. I'm standing there like an idiot, trying to think of what I should do next, when I see all these people running down the street. I figured there must be free hot dogs or something at the park, so I haul ass after them. Unless it was snowcones. But snowcones kickass too, so I didn't care either way. But I'm running after them, and they're all look behind them, and I'm all grinning and waving and telling them how much I enjoy hot dogs, and none of them noticed me. I figured they were looking behind me, so I looked behind me too. And it was exactly what I thought. Someone had started a goddamned zombie apocalypse again. Well, that isn't the first thing I thought. The first thing I thought was how weird it was to see like a couple dozen weirdos walking down Garrison St., falling all over each other and moaning like a bunch of bisexuals at a frat party. The second thing was me rationalizing that they were undoubtedly after my free hot dogs and snowcones, and I was not about to let that happen. Then a guy screamed zombies were going to kill him, and it all kind of clicked into place.

So I kept running, regardless of the fulfillment of my refreshment seeking or not, and followed the panicky dipshits into this building, where a bunch of other dipshits proclaimed it to be a zombie shelter, and that everyone was safe. I asked who had a gun, and two guys did - hunting rifles. Better that than nothing. I still had two handguns and a shotgun. I asked if there would be hot dogs, everyone looked at me funny, so I turned my attention back to the situation at hand, completely giving up on the hot dog situation. And of course, the zombies were all over the front of the building, trying to get in, and everyone inside was freaking out, and then someone coughed and I thought they were going to be lynched. So I figured this was a bad deal and slipped out the back and tried to see what I could see. Not much, undead were everywhere, the sun was going down, I had no beer, and had a limited amount of ammunition. Which meant it was time to think of a plan. What would George Peppard do in this situation? Get eaten by the living dead. Shit, that doesn't help. I needed to start thinking rationally. I needed to be someplace with good shelter - someplace where nothing and no one could get it. Where could I not get in? I was never able to get into the fancy dance club on 32nd St., but that was a different situation than this altogether. Where could I fortify some defenses, have food and water and more ammunition?

Wal-Mart was straight ahead, and I was like Michael Johnson running for victory. Or Michael Winslow running for his life, I was making so many ridiculous noises from running the three miles to get here. Wal-Mart was full of people, naturally, trying to buy some sort of supplies at the last second. Which was stupid, because there were still zombies all over. I knew I couldn't just shoot everyone and lock the doors, so I kept running, trying to get to something more plausible. I could have kicked myself for not staying in my office - it had food and beverages (except beer, goddamnit), weapons and ammunition, radio and television, flashlights and supplies, Kidd and Play, and all the other essentials to get through a crisis like this. I could try to make it back there, but it was across town, and I had no safe way to get there. I needed a car. I look around, and see this timid looking pale guy in a Buick, and I'm like pow, this is the guy. I ran up, opened his door, pulled a Tommy Vercetti and tear down the street toward the office. At this point, I had no idea who was alive or who was dead, so part of me is saying just hit people if they get in my way, the other part is telling me that I just stole a car because a guy ate people at the hospital and I ran out of beer and Robocop is unlisted and just running people down would put the icing on the cake I'd get at the Welcome To Crazytown party. So I'm swerving around people, or what used to be people, and trying not to get hit by other drivers, and some nutfucks who are shooting at anything that moves, just trying to get across town as fast as possible in a car that was built to be the slowest thing short of the Flintstonemobile. I actually made it without hitting anyone or being shot, and ran back into the office, re-barricaded it, checked my messages that weren't there, and grabbed one of my friend's fruity wine coolers as an emergency substitute during these harsh times. I turned on the radio, and the power went out. I was like great, I fucking broke the electricity by using it responsibly and in its intended fashion, figures. I looked out the window, saw it was still bad, pulled out my laptop (yay for batteries) and started to record this. And here we are. I am typing. Right now. Type type type. See - it's live.

It will only be a matter of time before the living dead come marching up my stairs, knock on my door, and come in. Actually, I doubt they would knock, they would probably just walk in like some rude son of a bitches that think they can just waltz in and eat your shit any time they want. Point is, I have most of my weapons near me now. And I will wait. And I will not go down quietly. I'll probably be screaming like a bitch if they get me. But I don't want that to happen, and neither do you, the reader. I hope. I better not be alive if you don't hope I'm alive when you read this, or I'll fuck up your day. Anyway, here I sit. Waiting. In the dark. My laptop's battery is almost dead. I'm going to shut it off now to conserve enough energy for whoever finds it to read this. Unless everything is fine. Which is just as good. We should go get those snowcones.

Ok, really, we just had a storm and it was windy and the power was out for like three hours. But still, what I wrote was much more interesting than that. Bite me.

The New Old Republic Game About The Old New Old Republic. Soon.

2008-10-24T16:47:00.008-04:00

It is a period of awesome MMOs being released. LucasArts, striking from a hidden base, has teamed with BioWare in an impending victory against the ever-present and somewhat overdone Fantasy MMO genre. Fans have been waiting for a Star Wars MMO since, well, forever. And most have been begging for a Knights of the Old Republic one... with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by Star Trek Online, or rather running along side of it, Star Wars: The Old Republic races home, custodian of the similar plans that can let them save face after crappy sequels and restore freedom to the galaxy….

To Boldly Stay Right Here

2008-10-14T16:53:00.008-04:00

Star Trek Online has been in development for a while now, but recently, its hype has jumped exponentially. This due to several facts, I'm sure. You can fly around outer space in a ship, shoot at n00bs to both the MMO universe, the Star Trek universe, and the concept of a linear cohesive protouniverse. You can be a Klingon, which means you can play the game completely drunk and singing "yIjah, Qey' 'oH." And, most importantly, every time someone asks you a question, you can scream "THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS" into your ventrilo headset. This will also be the first game I have ever played where, when entering a combat situation, I will not be humming the theme to The A-Team. Instead, it will be one of the first three Star Trek themes - The Original Series, The Next Generation, and Deep Space 9. Voyager and Enterprise are subject to me flying a Klingon Bird of Prey around a sun to go back in time and convince Gene Roddenberry that he's about to make a horrible mistake.

So, obviously, I'm looking forward to the thing. I'm like a retarded kid swinging a cat, giddy with joy at even the stupidest of options, like whether or not I want to make my first officer beardy. So I check the official website, to see what I'm going to be looking at when the game comes out. And I find out, to my dismay, horror, chagrin, and other negative descriptive adjectives placed to convey my disappointment, that my system requirements are comparatively like the space shuttle Challenger trying to install the Enterprise's holodeck. That means it's bad. As in, I can't play the game with my PoS computer.

So, what are my options? Well, I could buy a new computer. That seems like the obvious solution. Except the part where they won't barter for sheep and linen anymore. Those bastards. They want money - and a lot of it. Who is they? They is are am horrible grammar to be asking presented question for you me. Actually, "They" are people who will sell me a computer. Dell, or whoever. I can't even scrape together enough to NewEgg or TigerDirect or CompUSA myself into the United Federation of Awesome Gameplaying. So, I just have to sit complacently, and secretly seethe at my lost game. No more shall I hear the pew pew pew of my phaser lasers. No more shall Mr. Worf arm my fruton torpedoes. No more shall I try to remember what Conversational Klingon told me in context about what that particular Klingon curse meant as some fruit nut bar in Aufwiedersein Germania country of people who have the game yelled at me in the heat of a battle over who can control the pretty blue planet on the edge of this system in the Clark Bar Nebula.

I'm depressed now. I'm going to go play my Xbox 360 and look forward to the NXE in November. At least I know I'll have that.

There... are... no... lights....

Percival Lowell can die in a fire

2008-10-13T20:23:00.014-04:00

On February 18, 1930, Clyde W. Tombaugh discovered a discrepancy in a series of plates that showed a bunch of astronomical throw-up. That is to say, out of a million billion stars, he saw one little dot that was not in the first picture. This guy should be looking for Waldo right now. Percival Lowell could have seen the same thing in 1915, but he didn't. Because he sucked. Then why does he get credit in most scientific circles for discovering Pluto? Because he slept with all of those scientists. Ok, that isn't true. In reality, it is because he was Clyde Tombaugh's boss. Yeah. This tells us some very important information - Don't discover anything at work, or that fat son of a bitch manager Rob will take all the credit. After Pluto's discovery, not much happened. In September 1930, prophetic writer H. P. Lovecraft related information regarding this new ninth planet,

Astronomers, with a hideous appropriateness they little suspect, have named this thing "Pluto." I feel, beyond question, that it is nothing less than nighted Yuggoth - and I shiver when I try to figure out the real reason why its monstrous denizens wish it to be known in this way at this especial time. I vainly try to assure myself that these daemoniac creatures are not gradually leading up to some new policy hurtful to the earth and its normal inhabitants.

and in August 1931, the published information was regarded as too fabulous for society to digest. In the 1940s, a strange man promoted the notion that Pluto was actually an animated dog, and subsequently, this man's head was frozen in retaliation.

On August 24, 2006, the International Astronomical Union, a French pseudo-international cosmic naming club, met in Prague to agree that Pluto would no longer be considered a planet. Prague was vaporized by a laser beam from outer space, and everyone there died. France surrendered immediately, although this was a fruitless effort since they still had no idea what happened or who they were surrendering to. They only knew this course of action had worked so well in the past, what with the Normans and the Germans, it was worth a shot.

Sorry, sorry. The laser beam and Prague being exploderized and the French acting like the French was not true. In reality, nothing happened.

Yet.

Monkey in the Middle-Earth

2008-10-03T14:28:00.006-04:00

Each Lord of the Rings movie has special, extended versions. Two discs apiece, they are ridiculously incisive and loooong. And I watched them all in two days. I have hobbits coming out of my ears.

Who, also, in their right mind has the balls to take on a wizard? And I don't mean the Fred Savage playing Mario 3 with a bunch of retards in 1980 whateverville kind of wizard, or the check out the blacktacular Oz-related little kid that now want to kiss the childrens in his Peter Pan ranch kind of wizard. I mean the Ian McKellan, I have an awesome falling over giant cone-type hat, speaking Mordorian, singing opera in the snow and at cave walls, fight the giant ancient demon of fire and shadow kind of wizard. What's his name. Beardy-face. Yeah, everyone loved him in in those movies. I don't need statistical data to back that up. It has already become a fact due to the high levels of awesome he puts out.

Elves are totally gay. I don't mean the happy kind, then I would say "Oh good day and goodness me, those little hobbits look so happy and gay in their shire, tra la la la la." I mean, they are effeminate weirdos. Their notorious inability to grow facial hair, their froo-froo clothing and la-dee-da hairstyles are paled next to their love of artistry and apparent fondness for Star Trek memorabilia. Their language sounds like Russians whispering in broken Latin, and almost everything is "Spierethil dai ee lan gala." I might have even said something there. I probably said "I sound totally girly. Fear my pointy ears, almond-shaped eyes, lankiness, and rapid arrow-shooting." Ok, so rapid arrow-shooting might be applicable, but the damned Keeblers need to get back in their tree and make me some cookies, dammit.

John Rice-Krispies as Gimli was great, though. Someone give him an award. What? They already did. Well damn.

The Lord of the Blogs: Return of the Chief

2008-10-02T12:08:00.006-04:00

I am so neglectful. For shame, Big Chief! Neglectful, but consistent. Workaholism, some call it. I don't think that's quite right though. I am not dependent on Workahol.

First and foremost, redirect yourself to http://www.castersrealm.com

WAIT! NOT NOW! COME BACK!

Don't do that again. I thrive on your reading. Anyway, CastersRealm has been getting some love again. Yay. I feel like I should be playing some sort of nerdplaying game like Dungeons & Dragons or Call of Cthulhu or Shadowrun or Paranoia or... wow, I know way too many name of those sorts of games. But I feel like I should be downing Mountain Dews and chomping on salt and vinegar chips, staying up til four and five in the morning. I keep getting sucked into things with work, and every time I finish one task I've set, I see something else that needs done, and need to finish it.

At this rate, I could build a new Death Star with my bare hands. That thing would be full operational!

So now here I am, sneaking in a blog break between other projects. Blog breaks are nowhere near as satisfying as Fast Breaks, in their chocolatety splendor, or smoke breaks. But blog breaks don't make you stink like the ash of a half burned tome; some evil book you tried to rid this earth of in the fireplace of an ancestral manse, for the peace and safety of humanity as well as for the ability to cling to the last vestiges of your tattered sanity before the gods of old pull you shrieking into the primal darkness from whence they once came, gibbering with madness and locked into the dark places that were sealed with the signs of power....

Ok. No more Lovecraft for a while. I'm taking the fact that I can't get to the HP Lovecraft film festival this weekend too hard. Next year, I am going to petition UGO up down left right and possibly utilizing other functions of Konami-style code to try to get them to send me out with press passes. You know, for the safety of us all, and all that.

MST3K of the Week

2008-09-11T02:50:00.002-04:00

Grand Theft Auto: Jungle Viking

2008-09-11T02:19:00.004-04:00

I have been playing a lot of Mercenaries 2 for the Xbox 360. I mean, I have been playing a lot of Mercs 2. That and Castle Crashers. But that is for another discussion at another time.

The first thing you notice in Mercs 2 is how often you find yourself going "This is awesome!" Usually you're killing people. I know most people can identify with this, since in our everyday lives, we exclaim how awesome it is gunning down Venezuelan revolutionaries. The second most noticeable thing is how much time you can lose in this game, running around doing, well, things. Lots of things. Stealing - I mean, finding - cash, weapons, fuel, whatever. Driving around. Killing more people. It's nearly limitless. Now, the most notable thing, even if not most noticable, is how much Mattias Nilsson resembles the Technoviking. It's uncanny. So uncanny, I found I must do something to display its uncanniness.

Anonymous is written on the sands of Arrakis

2008-09-04T23:14:00.007-04:00

I go on 4chan. Some may not believe it, but it's true. I frequent /wg/ and /hr/, looking for, well, wallpapers and high resolution artwork and photographs. One of the images I see, quite often, is an girl of (probable) arab descent, from National Geographic (if I recall properly). Every single time I see it, I think she looks like someone from Frank Herbert's Dune, minus the ostentatious features exposure to spice would produce. So, naturally, since I have seen that something is wrong on the internet, I had to fix it.

Be glad you didn't end up seeing Mua'dib in a Guy Fawkes mask.

Observations from the RNC

2008-09-04T22:16:00.007-04:00

Well, 3 seconds into the Republican Nation Convention coverage tonight, some jerk started holding up a "McCain votes against vets" banner. Think of several points - they allowed it, for some reason, even though security was clearly seen at one point rushing the guy. What's worse is that the cameras kept showing the fool, alternating between holding his sign and proudly displaying his arms in the air with a V for Veteran, or Victory (presumably. I could be wrong, it could be V for Very Stupid, but whatever.)

But think of the Democrats and their media circus, and their whiny crybaby tendencies. What happened when the militant homeboy held up his sign at Obama's media event? His people ran in and ripped up the fool's sign. The only reason no one flipped out over it is because the media was quick to throw out releases saying Obama owned the guy and his questions. Ok, first of all, no one owned anyone, short of a buying off the media joke (but I'm not touching that one.) I watched it. The dude was a wingnut to begin with. He might as well have jumped up and said Bush caused Hurricane Katrina, and that George Bush doesn't care about black people. You don't have to be a good speaker to outspeak a whackadoo. It's one of the principles of public speaking. Whackadoos are everywhere, they fall out of the sky to ruin your day, and they frequently pick up some sort of liberal tree-hugging or divisive issue and go all stupid.

Another fella was removed from the convention for disruptive behavior, but the cameras stayed off the subject. McCain didn't, asking people to ignore the white noise. Or brown noise, as it may have been. This sort of idiocy should be expected, and might be - but it's a shame to even have to prepare for it. Glad I'm not working security in Saint Paul. Broken teeth on broken hippies tends to lead to trouble when tens of thousands of people see it on live television. It might actually boost ratings, though.

Reducto your face off \m/

2008-09-04T20:46:00.011-04:00

After listening to LastFM, I was raised on AIM, and Almighty David brought up a discussion of metal bands. Naturally, I linked directly to Six Feet Under's Ghosts of the Undead on YouTube.

After a few moments, David cracked me up by ejaculating, "IS THAT HAGRID FROM HARRY POTTER?" Of course, it's much funnier here because A.) I have an accompanying picture and B.) I used the word ejaculating when I had more than a handful of other words to choose from.

Six Feet Under is, in no particular order, Allen West, Terry Butler, Rubeus Hagrid, and Greg Gall

Not only does this show that nerd culture has completely pervaded my existence, thus negating nearly everything I've known and causing the universe to begin collapsing in on itself, but also that I am entirely too nonchalant with Photoshop. Rock over London, rock on Hogwarts.

MST3K of the Week

2008-09-04T00:10:00.005-04:00

Character counts

2008-09-03T23:28:00.005-04:00

I meant to post this yesterday. Better late than never. This is one of the most impressive speeches I've seen, so I wanted to put it here for posterity. Shame Fred Thompson himself isn't the one on the Republican ticket for the general election, but McCain is still a good choice.

Fred Thompson speaks at the Republican National Convention. September 2, 2008

I can also imagine Fred Thompson physically knocking out the head of a foreign country. That's my kind of elected official.

A million browsers, each a million lies

2008-09-03T18:26:00.008-04:00

Everyone is talking about the beta release of Google's new browser, secret code name Chrome. Ok, so it's not a secret code name, but it sounds cooler if you say it that way. While it launches quicker than Internet Explorer 8 and Firefox version 3.1, all other comparisons are negligible to downright sucky. Worst of all is what you can catch in the fine print: "By submitting, posting or displaying the content you give Google a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive license to reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publish, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute any content which you submit, post or display on or through, the services. This license is for the sole purpose of enabling Google to display, distribute and promote the services and may be revoked for certain services as defined in the additional terms of those services."

MySpace (owned by Fox) pulled this same trick, which is why no one except 14 year old scene kids and underage topless girls hitting on 20 and 30-something year-old homeys ever use the MySpace blog features. Well, don't use the blogs anymore. Quite a few have actually left MySpace completely in favor of Facebook (for social purposes) and LiveJournal or Blogger (for semi-existential self-validation and ranting observatory purposes). No one wants to find out that when they posted their new novel, MySpace, Google, or whoever owns the rights to them because of the medium used to post it to the internet. In fact, pretty soon, if you want to share something you created, you're going to have to beam the entire thing directly into the brain of the person you're trying to show it to. In which case, you'd need some kind of focal lens and... I'm getting kind of off-topic here. Go invent your own brain shooter idea machine, I'm not going to hold your hand through it.

Chrome looks alright, from the screen shots I've seen. I'm sure lots and lots of people are going to use it. But I rely entirely too heavily on FireFox's Adblock to go and rearrange my hosts file just so I can use some dumb new browser when there's nothing wrong with this one. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would agree that I can be damned stubborn regarding trends. An overwhelming majority of, well, majorities, have been proven to be populated by idiots. Some of them I can't mention because of this, you know, One Rule.... that and I don't want infinity billion script kiddies blowing up my intarwebz from hacking by way of "Never Gonna Give You Up" and Guy Fawkes masks. But maybe, just maybe, after Google gets itself together and gives us a browser that most people with an IQ higher than 90 are going to instinctively distrust, then I might have a look at it. Until then, I'm going to keep on rocking the Q energy ball from Encounter At Farpoint. It beats a logo that looks like a Master Chief plama grenade, or the Eyeball 3000.

For further information, this page reflects on the ideas presented in this article:
http://www.google.com/chrome

Ultimately, Chrome will remain an awesome song by VNV Nation, as well as an album by Trace Adkins. It will also be my choice of finishes on a custom-made IMI Desert Eagle, and something that rhymes with and is frequently associated with the word "Dome." As to which, the latter usually has a bald guy, or some sort of henchman brain-surgeried hybrid creature. Like the guy with metal teeth. Or Joe Biden.

NASCAR hurt me

2008-08-31T02:47:00.005-04:00

NASCAR 2008 has to be one of the most ridiculously difficult games I've ever played. The only game I can think of that beats it out is GRAW, but that game is so retarded it doesn't merit comparison, or mention... in fact, I strongly believe that every copy of GRAW should be thrown in a deep hole, inundated with gasoline, and a fire should be lit that would burn for all eternity as an effigy of humanity's struggle to forget it made awful games like GRAW, the 50 Cent game, or Shaq Fu. Throw Dead Rising in there while you're at it.

Now that I've confused the reader, back to the topic at hand. Next generation NASCAR games should be played using the steering wheel controller. While I have no basis for comparison, because I don't own one, I have to believe that the people at EA spend most of their time laughing at people like me, who try to play these sorts of games with a controller. After struggling through a few races, I finally got my car tuned to where it needed to be where I could at least finish a race without feeling shamed. This is not the casual racing experience one would expect from going around an oval over and over and over again. Again, this game probably rules your face if you have a steering wheel, but for those without one, prepare for many, many, many slams into walls, cars, grass, penguins, mailmen, poinsettias, fat women named Irma, southern Sri Lanka, the 1978 Pittsburgh Steelers, killer robots, spatulas, cheese-based casseroles, professional yodelers, and Captain Crunch cereal - possibly with Crunch Berries. But please no Dale Earnhardt jokes. It's too soon.

About now, most people should probably be wondering why on earth I am playing NASCAR 2008 over NASCAR 2009. Well, it's quite simple, really - GameStop is offering a 25% off used 360 games special, and with an Edge card, the additional 10% makes for 35% off. So why buy a new EA game, when most people will agree that the biggest thing that changes year to year is, well, the year. Don't believe me? Go play Madden.

How to confuse an idiot.

2008-08-28T13:03:00.004-04:00

The loading time is slow, but it's worth it in the end.

Oh no, they say they got to go, go go Mozilla

2008-08-27T17:35:00.006-04:00

Alright, alright, alright, I'll admit it. I didn't something extraordinarily, and unforgivably nerdy. I downloaded season one of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Streaming through my 360, I started watching from the beginning. And had to pause it somewhere around 12 minutes into the first episode.

Has no one ever noticed that the starship Enterprise is being chased by the Firefox logo in Encounter at Farpoint? No, seriously. Seriously. STFU, I said seriously. Look.

I mean, come on. Coincidence? Probably. I mean, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that the heads of Mozilla are really using Firefox and/or Thunderbird as a front to hide that they are in reality an omnipotent race called the Q. That would just be silly.

Silly like a fox.

Big Chief Diamondboots

2008-08-23T16:28:00.001-04:00

Rock Band is probably the single most popular party game on the market today. Overshadowed by the release of Rock Band 2 at the end of September, my lovely fiancée and I have been playing it like fiends. She plays guitar, forcing me to play bass, so I got bored last night and decided to dust off my old vocalist character and give him an update from unfancy mister plain-looking guy who was slightly reminiscent of Peter Steele of Type O Negative, to the much more awesome (and ridiculously time-consuming) King Diamond. Of course, I didn't call him King Diamond - that would just be a blatant rip-off and kind of petty.

I give you Big Chief Diamondboots.

Naturally, the game has a character limit (gay) and I actually ended up with BigChiefDiamond, but we all know what he's really called.

So I went to edit my personal quote, which you know was going to be awesome and King Diamond-oriented. What did I enter? "Try to enter" would be a better choice of words. Harmonix, the developers of Rock Band, has a word filter in place for potential character names, band names, and personal quotes. I tried to have my quote as "Let me help you out of the chair, Grandma." The Rock Central Server told me my quote was "not what most would describe as "classy"", and that it would not be visible on the leaderboards until I changed it. Which means one of the words is considered to be obscene.

Wait, what?

I read, and re-read, the quote. Did a grouping of letters in there accidentally form an obscenity? Where? What? Did "toft" mean something in Ethernopia that I was not aware of? In the end, it turns out "help" is an offensive word.

Wait, what?

Now I had to use a play on words, resulting in "Let me assist you out of the chair, Grandma." Because, you know, they have no problem with the word ass.

So whatever you do, if you're getting attacked or drowning or something horrible but equally disturbing and/or life-threatening, under no circumstance should you yell for help.

People will think you're not classy.